Sex without love expresses our lower animal natures, the enemy of reason that should control the psyche. Loss of rational control in sex might still lead to condemnation of casual sex on prudential grounds as leading to addictive promiscuity. But loss of control in sexual acts can be conceived as something good, a release from our ordinary repressed selves and our mundane concerns, and the closest we “come” to unity with another person.
And distinguishing this loss of control in the heat of passion from loss of control over when to engage in sex allows us to see that casual sex need not be addictive. Just as we can eat for pleasure without becoming gluttons, and can enjoy making money without becoming miserly hoarders, so we can have sex for pleasure without becoming addicted (In love/In a relationship).
Sexual desire and love are fundamentally different psychological states. Love is other-regarding, an identification with the loved one’s interests and long-term commitment to further those interests. It is relatively exclusive: we love several people at once, but not a large number. By contrast, sexual desire, although focused on another’s body, is essentially self-regarding, a desire for physical pleasure. And we can have fleeting sexual desires for many others, while there is no fleeting or casual love.
That opening extract is taken from ideas written by Alan H. Goldman, 2019, quite an interesting argument, right? It makes you think, well I have it here because it helps me with what I am writing about today.
What are these ideas of sexual desire and love saying about us humans? About us people, well put simply it means we are forcing things too much, that we don’t need to be in ln love to have sex or fuck each other, desire for our own pleasure is just as good, of course as long as that desire is consensual.
Sex without love is perhaps a bad statement to make, I don’t necessary believe that it exists. When you have sex with someone or desire to fuck someone you un-expressingly are in ‘love’ in a way. You are either in love with their personality, their mind, their physical body, the idea of them in you or most importantly you are in love with your own pleasure, simple as that.
I admit of course that I have engaged in such acts of sexual pleasure, being in it just for the fun of it. Let us be honest with ourselves, for those who are willing to be honest; sex is good, I mean it is great, that idea of being intertwined with another human body brings life to the mind, and you know that orgasm really does the thing.
I apologize for those who have never experienced orgasms, unlike bigfoot it is not a thing of mysteries but like big foot, once you see it, you know you found something precious, in this case, experienced something precious. A nice good electric body shock, like an unexplainable tingle.
Now of course, I haven’t really delved into the topic of this writing sex vs love; in the mist of it, I want to add an interesting aspect, masturbation. Now, there will be arguments on my next statement, by all means everyone must have their own opinion, if you don’t agree, you can consider my outlook on masturbation as an opinion, but I ask you to look deep into my view first, before judging.
Masturbation is quite tricky, without being dishonest, I engage in masturbation, once in a while I find myself in the shower with the warmth of water creating the perfect scenery, yes shoot me for it. Masturbation is what I consider to be sex with self. I have always posed the idea that masturbation offers something that someone else’s body (be it a new body) won’t offer you; time to explore and understand your pleasure needs.
Let me explain more
In the act of self sex, you get to know what gets you going, yes, I know it’ might sound silly, I do think about these things, even in masturbation my mind is in wonder. Anyway, in masturbation you’re able to give yourself time, to think, to understand which strokes get you there quick and which strokes can get you to last.
For females, you get to understand where you want your partner to go in order to get you there or even how YOU will engage with your partner to get yourself there. I have advised a lot of girls in my life to masturbate, I’ve always used the words “Don’t let a stranger know more about your body than you do. You need to know how to make yourself happy…or cum”
There is a however in this whole idea of mine. Now this thought comes off as very controversial, especially since I have taken the stand of enjoying sex, enjoying giving pleasure to my partners and myself.
During these thoughts of masturbations, I have posed a question of: Do we need each other for sex or we just need each other for reproduction really?
Let’s get back to this question a little later, it seems now we are on the grounds of, what is sex vs love or sex and love?
My opening paragraph argues that sex can exist in a plane of just pleasure, that it is a human idea that we put sex and (love) relationships together. There are a lot of reasons why we do that, mostly because of morality, I guess. People are definitely animals, but we don’t want to be seen or treated in such a way.
We want to be in control, at least when it comes to giving our bodies to other people; we don’t want to appear as, uhmm whores, I guess; it’s a social thing. Morality probably trumps everything when it comes to human, so sex while not in a relationship is a high morality to break. The question remains though, can one engage in sex without love or relationship? Uhmmm yes, as so many have done it and quite frankly enjoyed it.
People let’s be honest, most people cheat based on the idea that they want to fuck someone else, simple as that, no ways about it; yes there exists a lot more reasons people cheat I understand, but one of them is that you will get to have sex with that other person. Cheating without a doubt is an act of human nature that shouldn’t be punished, that person just existed for that time outside social morality.
Which brings me back again to the previous question: Do we really need each other for sex or just reproduction? Now be careful how you read this question of mine, it doesn’t come at face value. I am frankly trying to say people can have as much sex as they want with whoever they want, consensually of course, then when they are ready can find someone who is ready with them to reproduce.
Furthermore, my question lies on the plane of masturbation; yes, masturbation is not entirely the same as sex, we can be honest with that, however here is something masturbation offers which in my belief is a rip, a tear in the morality field but fuck it.
Masturbation offers you to have sex with anyone you choose too! Even multiple people at once.
Doesn’t that freak you out? For me it does a little bit? I mean it has too, literally someone as you are reading this could be fucking you in their heads, and fully enjoying it, that’s kinda creepy. You could be in an orgy right now and you don’t even know it. Masturbation breaks that morality barrier, it’s fantasy, so, it’s kinda of okay, I guess.
We have to at least admit it to ourselves that we break that moral ground during masturbation; When I do it, I go to the best sexual experiences I’ve had, so my exes need to know that although we are apart, I still enjoy being with them in my head, it’s a compliment? I think? I have a difficult time imagining someone I have never been with, it just doesn’t get me going, but that’s the thing about masturbation, everyone has their kink.
Sex, love, masturbation vs. Pleasure or rather all these are combined together, it doesn’t really matter; there are over a trillion people in the world, I had a point to make about that stat I totally forgot it. However, I can continue to say, love is important, it really is, for us humans, love makes us feel that we belong, that our reason for existing can make someone else happy.
Sex is important too, it makes us feel ‘connected’, it shouldn’t be used as a tool to hold on to someone, sex is great; so is pleasure, sex without pleasure is just two bodies rubbing against each. In order for us to get pleasure out of the sexes we have and engage in, we need to know our own bodies, we need to know what we want, so explore yourselves, learn about your body, read about it if you have too.
I know, it can feel dirty, nasty, but you don’t know how much you need it, to consciously make yourself reach your own destination is fulfilling.
2 Replies to “The act of pleasure: Sex vs. Love”
I think in order to enjoy masturbating, one needs to first fall in love with her/himself. Kmele umuntu azihalele kqala.
I enjoy your writing by the way 🙌🏾
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I didn’t actually consider that; now that you’re bringing it up, it makes sense. In all forms you have to be attracted to yourself. If I put the thought into words “You have to desire yourself before wanting to be desired by others”
Ngiyabonga, for the interesting perspective and enjoying the reads.
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