The Male Spec-actor

Def. : one who looks on or watches |One who pretends, but secretly watches.

Welcome to 2022 on this blog were we still talk intellectual bullshit. Oh I’m kicking the year off with an intense topic. Should men not be involved in solving issues that women face?

You know I am here to collect your perspective so after reading, please leave a comment.

Ideas are started by individuals, and then further perpetuated by those (social masses) who agree with the individual. This is not to say the social mass was not thinking this all along, no, it is to say, someone made a point they agreed with all along, and it’s refreshing and releasing when someone does that. So you form/ join the social league.

So, can you take away an individual thought in a big idea? You can’t really. In huge social movements there exists individuals. We resonate with these individuals.

So, let’s agree.

Yes, there are problems. These problems are someone’s fault, we technically know who’s fault it is, but the aim is not to point fingers, because we know pointing fingers leads to some fingers being pointed back.

How do we solve the problem? This problem of men treating women certain ways that are wrong! How do we solve these socially constructed ideas about women either their looks, intelligent and their worth? I don’t know really, but I know including the people who are part of the problem is definitely a good start. Making statements that “they don’t have knowledge to understand” the problens, that won’t solve it. Instead it’s a fire being built by a group of people, and it’s not warming everyone up to new ideas/thinking.

I understand people who shut Asian/White people down when it comes to conversation about race as we note “they won’t understand the problem” I do it too really, I’m guilty, but being guilty though I don’t shut it down completely. I go back to throw a few jabs again to see if they understand, if they don’t I get off the ring and maybe wait I don’t know until when.

I have been a witness of so many ill events/actions caused by men unto women yet it doesn’t give me enough knowledge because I am not in the body, I am viewing it from the other side and that makes it complicated.

I can never be women, it’s hard to even imagine being one. I am guilty that even when I imagine being one, I childishly think of having breasts.

Everyone needs lecturing, of course men need to stop being spec-actors of the multiple issues occurring; Women on the other have to know they can’t come into that battle alone, without some “men” on their sides. Yes, but who are these “men”

My problem is I don’t know where I stand, I am a man, I am probably guilty of many inappropriate acts towards women, some aware of, others not, I just need to be put in a circle of men that need to be educated.

So ultimately here are some questions.

1. Can men, us be trusted to listen without reaction?
2. Are we dumb that we don’t understand women’s problems? Like are we thinking they don’t exist?
3. When the fuck are we going to fix “Black/Coloured people” issues? Why is the race issue always being pushed backwards
4. I’ve said too much

Remember leave your intellectual bullshit, I want to here your thoughts. A link that was shared to me. It was interesting to listen to

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmqq9_XTelM

My mother calls me by name.

This image is one of the oldest images of my mom I have. I was shocked at how I don’t have any new images of my mom.

I have never failed to articulate how much love my mom has for me…. Money😂

Yes, my mom would work long hours of the day to earn money, to feed us of course but ultimately, secretly she just loves money. If the sun is Superman’s way of getting strength, money was my moms. Then like any darkie mom from back home, she’s go and buy kitchen ware she will never use. I generally think everyone loves money.

Knowing this fact, I grew naturally afraid to ask mom for money, on the basis of course that we didn’t have much but again ultimately because mom would turn into Gollum “Smeagol” as money was her “precious”. Mom could feel when you touch her money hiding place. She’d call ” I know how much money is there “😂

So I grew up afraid to ask for money in regards to anything. I would need new school shoes, books or whatever, I just couldn’t do it, not that she wouldn’t have given it to me, she is my mom of course she would have given it to me, I think, I just couldn’t do it.

In the beginning of varsity it would get worse. As any students not financially secure, one would run out of certain “essentials” yet still I couldn’t get myself to do it.

My mom would call me asking if I needed anything I would say I’m fine, then she’d say “Thiza, are you sure? “

I’d be quiet for a while, then she’d know that perhaps for weeks I was not properly eating. When I finally got financial support I’d send, as most kids in my day, send almost all the funds to her.

Travel to years later, in this time, this present, now as a stable young… old man, I am financially okay, fuck in many standards, especially my country’s standard, I am now well off, I send money back home as often as I can or as often as someone requires money, yet I have an issue.

My mom fears asking me for money😂

How the wheels of life have turned, not for the better as it seems. No matter how much I tell my mom, it is fine, anytime she needs money I’ll gladly send it to her, she has become that boy I was at a young age, afraid to state when in need.

Yes of course she makes truthful statements that she asks for money constantly, which I don’t mind as long as I have saved for myself.

This is a psychological thing isn’t it. I am living in a reverse psychology world with my mother.

Many months back I had written a blog about black tax, a financial strain we as darkies often suffer from, the fact that you have a family to feed. Often if not planned accordingly this has dire effects on the future, were it could lead to you not being financially stable in the future thus creating a cycle of needing your own kids to feed you.

Fuck me?!!

I don’t know how to get my mom out of this cycle; I mean I agree with some of the facts or reasons she gives, but she is of course still my mother.

Now, what’ story do you have for me when it comes to family and money? Write to me, my ears, or rather eyes are on the screen.

Theatre Work On Sale

See this as a review.

‘Idyllic Lives’

You can walk out of a show not liking how it happened, ‘the structure’, but you can fall in love with so many aspects.

The wonderful dancers that move so well they make your muscle orgasm, no, truly my muscles still have a shaking spasm for how well the performers could move.

The design, oh, what a design it was, like sex for the eyes, not everyone loves sex, so replace sex with whatever you desire and be charmed by that image, yes, that’s the stage design.

The music, I suddenly wished the live musicians were the show but I understand how without bodies dancing, the music would have been useless.

The work as beautiful as I have described it lacked a certain structure. In the world of comedians, its something they dub “Callback” the work began a certain way, a very beautiful way I might add, it lied to me really, it drew me in with the opening, dancers rolling like hay on stage but so hypnotic, I was caught in their web but after that it was filled with “moments” rather than a line structure, I was left saying ‘Oh wow that piece is nice’

Yes, it didn’t really connect together, the movements/dance although very wonderful there didn’t connect to the concept of the work, there were so many movements but they didn’t feedback to the concept at all, I felt again I was left watching how these performers could move wonderfully but not necessarily how they are creating a working narrative.

I want to defend it and say perhaps if I was Chinese, I would have gotten it more, but the audience around me although enjoyed it, I felt they too sensed the disconnect.

Can I go back to talk about the design? I get jealous, perhaps it’s because I hardly get to work with designers on my works. The design was something to feast your eyes on, it wasn’t like the best stuff in the world but I envisioned so many ways it could have been utilized, I felt all types of emotions.

Sand falling from the sky, something I’ve seen before, but totally worth re-seeing, animation, it could have been used more, it really could have. Bamboo sticks, OMG, they used those sticks for just a short moment but I screamed no, you are using them wrong, bring them back here in this moment, so it connects with what you did earlier.

I walked out content, I walked out understanding that we create differently, we work in certain ways, while some of us work in imagery others work in narrative, I am the latter, I want to connect my work to a certain line that when it ends you understand how it began even more.

I walked out wanting to create again, to build that connecting story, now I wish I could steal those performers.

What work have you seen and connected with lately or disconnected?

Cut/Crop/Save

So often we put ourselves in positions were we want people to know that we did something or we feel a certain way about something, to in a certain way prove ourselves to “them”

I find myself in a weird/strange position of shouldn’t it be enough that I know were I stand? Aren’t I enough to self to know that my position is here, that I don’t need to defend it because I know it?!

There are very much places designed for you to defend yourself, like court. In court you have to no matter what defend or prove your innocence, even if you know 100% that you didn’t do something but by the standards that someone said you did it, places you in a difficult position of defending yourself.

This is a very different situation if someone says you are racist/homophobic/sexist etc. If someone blames you for being any of these things and you know that you aren’t, what reason do you have to prove yourself to them that you are telling the truth?

I don’t think there is really; there are things we don’t need to prove because proving them makes them not real, it makes you look as if you are justifying your own truth.

I am not racist because I have black friends! Having black friends doesn’t make you not racist, lack of respect/empathy, belittling black people makes you one, and you can really still be one in that position of having black friends, that’s just an example.

The pictures of food we take & post showing we are eating healthy! Who are we taking them for? You already know you’re eating healthy, for you and your body that is prove enough that you are doing what you tended to do, informing others about it isn’t necessary a need.

A part of the reason I am thinking about this is that I’ve been walking quite a lot lately, at times I’d forget to wear my watch which usually calculates the steps I take. It rattles me a bit to not have the steps counted, but then I started thinking, wait, who am I doing it for, am I walking to calculate steps so others can see or what?! I mean I know I walked a lot, shouldn’t that be efficient? Who needs to see that I walked so much today and why?

Proving or disproving certain things isn’t necessarily, but we are trapped in this reality of if people know were I stand, I can be liked more or can be relevant or I will be acknowledged.

It’s sad we live in this reality, even I. I dance and I take videos of me dancing naturally because I want others to see that I dance and made something beautiful or interesting.

It’s the world we live in, I think we need to re-evaluate certain things, try to understand what really is significant in the world we live in

In essence it comes down to a few things, one being I understand how the world is structured now. The world is built in a way that fame or entertainment can happen at any time, that a simple video or image that you took can become an instant hit. That’s the type of world we are in.

However the other part takes me back to something that comedian Dave Chappelle does which is he take people’s phones away during live performances; for some I am sure it’s like taking them to rehab, taking away an addiction they have, but I think that’s precisely the aim.

People can’t seem to live in the moment anymore, to be satisfied with experiencing things in that moment and be fulfilled with the idea that it’s all in your head/heart, you didn’t capture it with any device.

It’s totally okay for your film recording to be your brain, yeah sure likely no one will believe you, that you met who you said you met, but you know it happened, that should be proof enough.

We are stuck in a forever changing world, a complicated world that is asking us to think too much, to forget human feelings and emotions, making us react to each other in a delayed manner because we are so busy caught up on being relevant.

It’s a scary world out there people, but it’s still a fun world.

What is your take, talk to me, I am all ears

On the previous episode

This is definitely one of those readings were you think it’s about one thing but totally find out it’s not.

You’ve watched an episode of a series where they give you insight of what happened on the previous episode, usually meaning the episode you’re watching will continue from the actions and events of the previous.

Its a nice transition really, it usually means you get an opportunity to jump in right were things left off, you didn’t miss much; Well real life works a little bit differently.

Me and a colleague of mine once in a while get ourselves into interesting banter; usually coming from situations we might face concerning a female. One such conversation involves the idea of people needing space/time or just a sense of being ignored really.

Listen everyone has a busy life really, we are all occupied with our little life’s, trying to make our ideas grow to something beyond dreams, a need for personal time.

When a person asks or just gives them space from you; it should be expected that once they choose to return into your life, you will not be in the position you were in previous, you as a person would have grown too.

People forget that life doesn’t wait for anyone, especially in any sort of relationship. If as friends we break up for some reason, and we make up, do not expect my train of thought to be were you left me, expect yourself to use words like “you’ve changed so much”

Not really, I’ve just grown as a person.

Where does this conversation stem from, well, it stems from a lady who indirectly had asked me to give her some space. As a person who’s forever developing I hope she has no expectations that she’ll find me were she left me, neither do I expect her to be the same person.

I am not sure if what I am saying makes any sense. To make it more clear, if we break up today, and make up a month later, you can’t expect the same person you were in a relationship with a month back, yes my favorite color might still be grey but emotionally, psychologically a lot has changed, which is why I personally would find it difficult to get over being cheated on or caught cheating, that relationship is as good as over really, some people have the ability to get over it, I don’t think I have the ability.

Furthermore, the people I found attractive in high school no longer interest me now, I’ve changed, my ideas about what is attractive have been completed altered by my experience.

There so many examples I could give, especially involving events/actions from opposite sex. Chris Rock once said “women have the ability to leave you mentally” I’d like to think as men we also have the same ability to erase you from out of our mind, an ability were you could have been the most attractive, beautiful person in the world, but after too many times of bullshit, that all gets lost. Men can forget everything they saw in you; Were you become just another existing being in the world.

My ultimate point is there is no previously in real life relationships, we create a new episode that deals with new problems and new solutions to those problems. You have to be prepared for this type of reaction all the time.

What are your thoughts? Do you believe you’d still be in the same space? How long does it take for you to change?

Academic Orgy

Def: Orgy

-A group of people/friends or strangers that engage in sexual satisfaction with each other. It can happen in certain intervals of time.

I haven’t done anything creatively constructive in a while, not from lack of ideas rather from lack of inspiration; Inspiration to begin, other body inspiration etc.

However as I ponder on this, it occurs to me that I actually have something to speak out to the “world” in quotation marks because it’s not everyone who will get to read this, even though I’d like to reach that far.

I have different dialogues everyday, each uniquely interesting in its own way. Amongst these many conversations one that had awaken me was with my friend/brother Mlondi. We were again speaking arts and other things, what came up important was art academic writing.

I was reading a tweet that stated “when your dissertation no longer makes sense to you, it is then that it’s finished” I laughed out loud but became more sad as the statement went deep in me. I remember how that felt like, I remember going in writing my dissertation with a certain idea and what came out at the end was not entirely what I was saying, it’s not that it didn’the say it; the problem is it said things in a very complicated way that as reader you will get lost in translation.

This brings me back to the conversation my friend and I were having; Who are we writing these papers for? It becomes clear that we are literally writing papers to ourselves and the people in our closed spaces (academically enclined) hence the orgy title. I find that terrible, i hate it. For me,  part of the reason I delve into artistic creation whether it be practical or written, I want everyone to kinda have access to it, to experience my experience and either relate or find something that can help them.

An academic writing doesn’t seem to fairly offer that. My friend went as far as to say “who in the hood will understand what Stanislavsky is saying or even worse practically, who will understand the deep layers of a performer shoving a Bible into her vagina” frankly no one” these images are beyond their capacity; not because of being dumb, just a matter of understanding. I have seen it happen “what is happening in this thing?” As we watch a work that I watch and thought was very insightful.

Artist have such great ideas, but these ideas written on paper amount to nothing because the only person who will read it, is the person that wants to write an essay related to your work. The gentleman who is struggling to break through this idea that he has in the hood, where your paper could help will never get to see/read the paper, even if they do “wtf is it saying”

 So at the end you ask yourself is it really necessary, all this academic writing we do. Is it worth it, if it doesn’t help the majority, your written idea collects dust in the shelf or online somewhere. I’m sorry but I don’t what to write like that anymore; not many people read my blog but I can assure you many people read it then those who read my paper.

Which is rather messed up since I took more time writing the paper then a blog post, but this post is imbued with my honest feelings then a dissertation will ever be.

All this rubbing each  other out is tiring. Why do we have to distinguish ourselves as “academics” by producing papers that are difficult to read. Should we not rather aim to speak the simplest things that when any normal human being reads it goes ‘Oh shit! I could have said that too, I’ve seen that happen’ but nope we go for what the fuck did this person just say, do I need a dictionary to read.

I can tell you there are words in my dissertation that I still find difficult to grasp, because I don’t use them in my daily language or any language for that matter besides this academic orgy we all keep getting involved in.

So, what is the solution? How can we get better? I don’t know really, maybe we can keep writing blogs like these, open YouTube channels, you know for “Exposure” a word I am quite familiar with, and always tired of hearing. How much exposure do I need really, the sun has burned me already.

You can’t really attack academics head on, they will defend their reasons and frankly they would probably win with a lot of jargon words you’ll have to look up; out there someone has attempted it.

I actually wrote something similar to this years back titled What the Homi Bhabha? This new version confirms my fed upness about the whole academic writing situation.

 

What is your opinion?

Pink is not my favorite color

You are often told not to judge a book by its cover, neither can you judge this reading by it’s title too, it may not be what you think it is.

It’s true though, pink is not my favorite, neither do I hate it, in fact it’s the opposite, I adore pink.

Pink is a color that slaps well on me, it’s colorful but not really bright colorful. Yet as a person of certain gender, I am still looked at with squinted eyes.

I was oddly very pink today, hence the writing of this post; pink watch and pink shirt, however my students saw a pink watch and went haywire

“Teacher, you’re wearing a pink watch”

‘Well yes, I am, thanks for noticing, it’s nice right!? ‘

No, teacher, it’s pink!

So. what?

Pink is for girls.

I knew that’s were it was going, I was waiting for them to say that, so I could ask who said that? Well I wasn’t going to get an answer because they just knew only that, they had no idea why they thought it, they had been told throughout life that pink is for girls.

Which in my opinion kinda sucks, more so that I don’t like blue as the color representing men. Who on this god damn earth chose blue as the color, why not black? or grey, something dark and mysterious!!

I’ve never been a fan of social classification or gender roles; that one thing should be done by one gender or another the other, in this case that one color belongs to a certain gender.

I like pink, it’s a freaking, nay, fucking good color, no it is, if you feel a type of way about that, it could be because of all the social madness that has clouded your intellect, but here I am suggesting you try out some pink color, I promise it won’t make you suddenly “change”

Pink, it slaps real nice. That sounds like a good slogan.

Nobody ever died from Listening

Why listening is great for writers

Okay the title might be wrong a bit, I’m sure someone there died from listening, heard the wrong shit and then boom.

Uhmm yeah of course listening is significant for everyone, it’s such a great skill to have, a skill that most people don’t possess; it’s not necessarily a crime, however if you are a bad Listener, I can tell you that you’re missing out on quite a lot.

So, why is listening an important tool or rather skill to have? Well, as writers we have the ability to transport people from a seat to a world they’ve never been into before, I mean in a sense that’s an artists job, we live and thrive on the idea that we take people to this reality that may or may not have existed.

As a writer you have so much you go through, in one lifetime you cannot experience all the emotions needed to write all these different emotionally driven characters, I mean damn, you also have your own personality, when do you get time to party like Van Wilder if you’re always stuck at home watching Harry Potter because you think it’s a great piece of work.

So then how do you write all these eccentric characters if you can’t experience their livelihood, well the best way is to live vicariously. To listen; listen to those that have experienced all these intriguing adventures, and live vicariously; that’s basically it, just sitting across different humans and listening to all their stories.

I recently found out information about Ramadan that I didn’the know, an emotional and psychological level that people who go through it, what they feel like. It was amazing really.

Listening takes patience, it takes interest, anybody can listen but also not everyone can be a great listener. One of my favorite South African writers Kgebetli Moele known for Room 207 and Book of the dead (favorite novel) in an interview said “My stories are mostly based on the character around my community, based is really an understatement, but my community doesn’t want me sitting around them anymore, because they say “ahh you, you will write about us in those books of yours” he laughs. I was there in the interview so I know he laughed.

While he was sharing this event, I could imagine him being outcasted in laughter by community, so in turn, I laughed at that thought. These characters we write, most come from reality, people that exist, only way you can write what an arsehole is like is if you’very been around one; same goes for depressed, wild, socially aware etc. you can’t experience all these things so, it’s not to say hang around these people but listen to them when you get the chance use it.

I sit quietly around strangers at most times, just vanish while sitting among them, what I am doing most time is writing character descriptions in my head, yeah of course to the viewer I am the quiet weirdo, but bare with me, I am at work.

There are a lot of videos out there teaching you how to listen better, as stated, a really important skill to have, Celeste Headlee probably still amongst my favorite talks on listening. So as an artist, as a writer, listen a bit more, just shut up and listen, respond of course but absorb it all in.

The high 5

It’s such a simple and mundane gesture isn’t it, a high 5, yet it carries so much weight, no it really does, ever hear the statement “come on bro, are you going to just leave me hanging?”

It’s kinda of a rule, you can’t leave a bro hanging from receiving a high 5 it’s there in the social rules, it should be in the testament too

As a teacher to young students, a high 5 is synonymous to a reward, perhaps can be considered to be more important than stars/money/gifts or whatever rewarding system you might use; A high 5 goes beyond the logic of being a “reward” it’s praise that includes [physical contact]

I once wrote a short “poem” about the significance of hand holding, honestly I’ve written about hand holding a bunch of times, it’s just a simple gesture but yet carries so much weight and meaning in relationships.

For a child, a high 5 has that kind of sense, I mean not just for the child but for the teacher and the parent as well.

Let me explain

I like kids, nay, I love kids; kids are like an empty canvas waiting to be painted on; their world is almost blank, and we “adults” fill it with all these experiences, sometimes I wish we didn’t, some experiencesvmore bad than others but experiences none the less.

Being a foreign teacher, one of the things the kids struggle to grasp is this strange fellow with very different skin than their own; worse if this child has already had their blank canvas painted on that this skin should be feared.

Yet, we proceed none the less, and the initial, the first step is perhaps to try break the contact barrier. I have learned that if you can break the contact barrier (high 5) with the child, the journey becomes more smooth.

We all know how awful it can momentarily feel when a child refuses to give you a high 5 or maybe it’s just me; this little bastard is basically leaving you hanging, s/he should really read the social rules…you don’t leave a brother hanging!!

I once had a student like that in a demo, only one who refused to give me a high 5, I smiled at the notion, told him, I’ll break you  soon.

And then it happens, you break the barrier, the little guy gives you a high 5 and it’s rewarding for both of you, and the parents; everyone is joyous and all cheer hooray‼ Yeah that actually happened everyone clapped so loud.

Somehow once that barrier has been broken, the stakes reverse

“Mwahahaha” that’s my evil laugh.

The stakes reverse that you as a teacher are now in power; this simple gesture of high 5 has now become Thanos’s gauntlet, if you refuse to give the high 5 to the student, it hurts them.

“Mwahahaha, yeah, told you never leave a brother hanging, how does it feel now?!”

By giving this high 5 it is like you are giving a gift; You are uttering well done, I’m proud of you, without even saying a word.

This gesture, the high 5 has a lot of power that perhaps as teachers we don’t pay attention to, perhaps we do, I can see the eager anticipation from students waiting to give an answer after they saw others receiving a high 5 for giving an answer too

Probably saying I want one of those.

There are some questions: Should you use the high 5 as punishment? Refuse to give it to a student who is naughty/misbehaving/didn’t get the correct answer? It’s debatable, not to say that I haven’t done it before, yeah, I’ve left some little suckers hanging…syke

You got to earn this high 5, I definitely feel like I worked hard to earn it from you (student) as well, especially in the start of our relationship.

So, from teacher to teachers, let’s use our gauntlets wisely, don’t be Oprah, don’t be snapping high 5s all over the place.

You get a high 5! You get a high 5 everybody’ gets a high 5!!

The Epitome of being Cool

It takes time, some of us don’t even realize it, but it sucks not being “cool” I am being like an emoji putting my hand on my face right now

🤦‍♀️

I have to admit that I am not cool, well not as much as I thought I was, who am I kidding, I definitely am not

Oops😂

Of course in these days and time being cool is associated with being an extrovert, going out, having a few drinks, “wildin out”, which I am definitely not, especially around people.

Can I wild out? Uhmm I have doubts, I can “dance” per se but it’s about time I accepted that I am shyer than I thought I was

The epitome of being cool; lately I have not been able to make new friends/significant other, which leads me to conclude perhaps I am not as cool as I thought; the people I’ve “lost” perhaps didn’t get the energy they required around me? I  am in no way saying that’s a bad thing, however I am saying it kinda sucks 😝

I was talking to my brother, Fiddy who is significantly more social than I am, asking him why can’t I get women like everyone else, why I get myself friend zoned

I won’t bore you with this long conversations but it was beneficial, I got a chance to reflect, listen I am not bad with women, strange enough I’ve been able to “hook up” with people, but there are moments were I can’t, again listen I ain’t great with women either

The epitome of being cool. If I can quote two individuals in this moment, I’d quote Hitch who says “You can’t be what you are not, if you’re out going be out going” I’m not outgoing, that’s okay. For me depends on what out going means, and Just like Larry David did, I can admit that I am not a “cool” guy, cool I assure you can mean lot of things, but in current standards, I am not very cool.

I dance and sing with a broom everytime I clean. I whistle and sing everytime I cook, a horrible singer at that. I carry my diary all the time because I never know if I’ll need something to write, why not use a phone you say, well, it’s not the fucking same. I listen to 80s music too much, but you’ll never figure me out through the music I listen, yeah, I’m pretty sure you won’t, I sometimes just listen to water sounds, just water pouring out of different things, even I think it’s weird, I can listen to wind blowing through something.

I randomly quote lines from movies, out loud, in my defense how can you not quote Bane though “Victory has defeated you”

I am an “intellect” and I’d like to think I am funny? debatable really 😂 All of these things you won’t be able to get access to unless I really trust you; Yeah you can get a glimpse but if I trust you, all bombs away!

Perhaps my worse trait especially after talking to my brother is that I listen too much (Who knew that could be a fucking bad thing) I’m too much of a psychologist, I can’t help it, I do have a qualification in it but “I don’t think people need a psychologist, especially when looking for a random f@#k” those are my brothers words, not mine, but might be truer than I had realize

Yeah my listening and talking is so bad that my brothers would constantly tell me we were having a full on conversation whilst I was asleep; I can’t seem to help myself, I like listen to people.

It sucks not being cool, yeah of course we can say ‘ you’ll find people who think you’re cool but what about the people you thought were cool for you??

😂

Sweet fucking life!

You’d think after reaching 30 just last week, I’d be content with life, have most answers, but this life thing is a curveball.

Why am I not “cool”? What does it really mean to be cool? I can recall the anime Hajime no Ippo, the main character Ippo just wanted to know the feeling of one thing, he was driven by one question, what does it mean to be strong? What is being strong? Then he threw himself into this world trying to find out. Just like Ippo the question is, what does it mean to be cool? Will I even find an answer?

I don’t know, I’m willing to find out even if it means I need to be kind of an asshole but like Stella I am aiming to get my groove back.

What does it mean to be cool for you?