Multiple Personalities

This post is about friendship(s)

In the movie Split the main character suffers from what psychology terms “multiple personality disorder” I tell you right now if the disorder was like that, it would definitely be more interesting.

I want it!!

I want to use the analogy of the movie as basis to this post. None of my friends are the same, as a reader you can attest to this by looking at your friends and seeing how different they are to each other. Although we are all friends together, and resonate on the same frequency, we very much differ; We differ on how we approach certain things or life itself, I think it’s why my friends have their own friends as do I.

This comes to me in how I saw my friends reacting to something I had sent them. Each found a different aspects of it..in one scenario, I didn’t send a joke to a certain friend because I knew it was not their type of joke, this of course doesn’t mean friendship over.

This phenomenon if I can call it that is clearly visible in my own emotional needs to them “friends” as well.

I never approach a certain friend with a certain problem, because I know they will not get the whole picture of the issue, they will offer support yes, but it won’t be the kind I’d need.

I have a friend I always approach if I have women problems, not because he has a lot of women problem surrounding him, no, because he has a certain understanding that I can resonate with… he also has lot of women problem, please help him!

I have a friend I can approach if I have family problems or thinking about future prospect. I have friends I can talk about artistic work, some of my friends get repeated in different loops.

Friends to talk dumb and serious shit with you know!

These friends in a way tap into different personalities that exist within me. I can listen to my friends music but not all their playlists, gosh I’d die.

I am not sure they’d be able to listen to my playlist, I got too many love songs, Taylor Swift ringing in my ears, what can I say Teardrops on my guitar is my shit!!

Anyway, friends are dynamic, some of them you can’t call to be honest because they’ll tell a joke to get you into unnecessary trouble, some you can’t call to speak “the truth” because they will really speak honest truth, bitch read between my lies.

Yeah I learned that lesson the hard way, that’s a story for another day.

I have a few circle of friends, I mean the people I can really tell my shit too. The ones that know I am really shy and quiet, the ones that know I am smart in certain fields and totally clueless in others, but that won’t stop me from listening to them rant about their shit.

Most my friends and I support the same teams, except Fiddy, he’s a bitch, he supports Arsenal, I don’t get that.

Friends, countrymen, people of earth, what are your friends like? Drop me some comments, let me laugh at your shit.

Theatre Work On Sale

See this as a review.

‘Idyllic Lives’

You can walk out of a show not liking how it happened, ‘the structure’, but you can fall in love with so many aspects.

The wonderful dancers that move so well they make your muscle orgasm, no, truly my muscles still have a shaking spasm for how well the performers could move.

The design, oh, what a design it was, like sex for the eyes, not everyone loves sex, so replace sex with whatever you desire and be charmed by that image, yes, that’s the stage design.

The music, I suddenly wished the live musicians were the show but I understand how without bodies dancing, the music would have been useless.

The work as beautiful as I have described it lacked a certain structure. In the world of comedians, its something they dub “Callback” the work began a certain way, a very beautiful way I might add, it lied to me really, it drew me in with the opening, dancers rolling like hay on stage but so hypnotic, I was caught in their web but after that it was filled with “moments” rather than a line structure, I was left saying ‘Oh wow that piece is nice’

Yes, it didn’t really connect together, the movements/dance although very wonderful there didn’t connect to the concept of the work, there were so many movements but they didn’t feedback to the concept at all, I felt again I was left watching how these performers could move wonderfully but not necessarily how they are creating a working narrative.

I want to defend it and say perhaps if I was Chinese, I would have gotten it more, but the audience around me although enjoyed it, I felt they too sensed the disconnect.

Can I go back to talk about the design? I get jealous, perhaps it’s because I hardly get to work with designers on my works. The design was something to feast your eyes on, it wasn’t like the best stuff in the world but I envisioned so many ways it could have been utilized, I felt all types of emotions.

Sand falling from the sky, something I’ve seen before, but totally worth re-seeing, animation, it could have been used more, it really could have. Bamboo sticks, OMG, they used those sticks for just a short moment but I screamed no, you are using them wrong, bring them back here in this moment, so it connects with what you did earlier.

I walked out content, I walked out understanding that we create differently, we work in certain ways, while some of us work in imagery others work in narrative, I am the latter, I want to connect my work to a certain line that when it ends you understand how it began even more.

I walked out wanting to create again, to build that connecting story, now I wish I could steal those performers.

What work have you seen and connected with lately or disconnected?

Cut/Crop/Save

So often we put ourselves in positions were we want people to know that we did something or we feel a certain way about something, to in a certain way prove ourselves to “them”

I find myself in a weird/strange position of shouldn’t it be enough that I know were I stand? Aren’t I enough to self to know that my position is here, that I don’t need to defend it because I know it?!

There are very much places designed for you to defend yourself, like court. In court you have to no matter what defend or prove your innocence, even if you know 100% that you didn’t do something but by the standards that someone said you did it, places you in a difficult position of defending yourself.

This is a very different situation if someone says you are racist/homophobic/sexist etc. If someone blames you for being any of these things and you know that you aren’t, what reason do you have to prove yourself to them that you are telling the truth?

I don’t think there is really; there are things we don’t need to prove because proving them makes them not real, it makes you look as if you are justifying your own truth.

I am not racist because I have black friends! Having black friends doesn’t make you not racist, lack of respect/empathy, belittling black people makes you one, and you can really still be one in that position of having black friends, that’s just an example.

The pictures of food we take & post showing we are eating healthy! Who are we taking them for? You already know you’re eating healthy, for you and your body that is prove enough that you are doing what you tended to do, informing others about it isn’t necessary a need.

A part of the reason I am thinking about this is that I’ve been walking quite a lot lately, at times I’d forget to wear my watch which usually calculates the steps I take. It rattles me a bit to not have the steps counted, but then I started thinking, wait, who am I doing it for, am I walking to calculate steps so others can see or what?! I mean I know I walked a lot, shouldn’t that be efficient? Who needs to see that I walked so much today and why?

Proving or disproving certain things isn’t necessarily, but we are trapped in this reality of if people know were I stand, I can be liked more or can be relevant or I will be acknowledged.

It’s sad we live in this reality, even I. I dance and I take videos of me dancing naturally because I want others to see that I dance and made something beautiful or interesting.

It’s the world we live in, I think we need to re-evaluate certain things, try to understand what really is significant in the world we live in

In essence it comes down to a few things, one being I understand how the world is structured now. The world is built in a way that fame or entertainment can happen at any time, that a simple video or image that you took can become an instant hit. That’s the type of world we are in.

However the other part takes me back to something that comedian Dave Chappelle does which is he take people’s phones away during live performances; for some I am sure it’s like taking them to rehab, taking away an addiction they have, but I think that’s precisely the aim.

People can’t seem to live in the moment anymore, to be satisfied with experiencing things in that moment and be fulfilled with the idea that it’s all in your head/heart, you didn’t capture it with any device.

It’s totally okay for your film recording to be your brain, yeah sure likely no one will believe you, that you met who you said you met, but you know it happened, that should be proof enough.

We are stuck in a forever changing world, a complicated world that is asking us to think too much, to forget human feelings and emotions, making us react to each other in a delayed manner because we are so busy caught up on being relevant.

It’s a scary world out there people, but it’s still a fun world.

What is your take, talk to me, I am all ears

MOTH

def. an insect that gets drawn to light and dies.

def. an insect that gets drawn to light and dies.

I hate that the shortest relationship I’ve ever been in was with you, the one person that I felt I knew the longest; the one person I wanted more than anything else, even bread.

I wish it wasn’t you;

Don’t get me wrong, with you I’d repeat the cycle of love like a rollercoaster or a ferries wheel, just keep going round and round, and round to my hearts content.

I just wish it wasn’t you though, the person who made me live the life of a moth.

I got drawn into the light that was you and I died the moment I got too close, and I’m still dying, slowly.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I’d still do it again. Just like a waterfall I’d keep pouring my self, and my heart to you. Each day my heart would drown, I’d take a deep breath, and dive deep down again.

Fuck though, I really wish it wasn’t with you who I saw having a young boy with who has eyes that tell countless stories or a girl who’s driven by passion just like her parents.

I wish it wasn’t you that I am working so hard to forget, yet like an old kung fu movie I can’t help myself but replay you in my head and got damn your memory still gives me the same excitement as the first time you became mine.

To the girl running away with my heart

Tell my lover

If you see my lover please pass on this message to her.

Tell her I miss her, that everything I miss about her could be turned into a book if I were to write one.

If you bump into my lover tell her I said everything about her fills me up with hope, and a little bit of misery; of course, what relationship doesn’t have misery chilling at the back seat waiting to disturb a honeymoon; still it’s all of that which drives me crazy about her

When you see her, my lover, stop her, give her a compliment or an Instagram like cause she god damn deserves all those likes.

This is very important, before she disappears around the corner please shout out to her and tell her that damn ass of hers is fire, I see it rising like dough in the oven, but fuck you for staring at my girl’s ass.. 

If there was ever one more important thing you can tell her for me, as I no longer have the will to do it, please tell her following.

If you’re singer please do write a song, if you’re painter, please paint so she can hang it up in her tiny kitchen, if you’re poet, squeeze a line in your stanzas, like how I squeeze her bum, if you’re a teacher introduce her in a good ppt

Whatever your profession is, make a note of this request for me.

Tell her I love her.

That she has a home in my heart

A love letter to my lover

As everyone in life I’ve had to deal with a lot of crazy, funny, and hurtful things that life has to offer. In recent years none have managed to bruise me; you tend to build up thick skin for things that can hurt you in life, as everyone else does.

In those things I have felt none have been more hurtful than being blamed for not loving you.

I could be taking it into heart too much, I can be sensitive but you saying the words “I didn’t care”… no let me use love you, has been a thorn in my chest.

I don’t blame you in any sense. You are an amazing person, with flaws and all, but flaws I love. I began to question a lot of things being in love with you. I started to wonder if I’ve ever actually liked talking to a female person more than I loved talking to you.

I started to wonder if a girl has ever made me laugh like you do, or if I’ve ever went so deep in my own memories, digging stories so I can feel so close to you.

I wondered all these things and I smiled at the thoughts, nay I laughed because it seemed so untrue yet there I was loving without feeling any type of consequences

I must be a silly boy, but silly has driven me across a lot of bridges and so far, I’ve lived an entirely exceptional life.

I am sorry I didn’t love you the way you wanted to be loved. I guess I need to re-invent myself in the field of love, although I don’t question how I love, I got plenty of that, an entire ocean, all I have to question is how to love more, to go further into this deep sea that is me, there’s hope for me yet.

I hope you find someone who loves you more, the way you yearned to be loved. If I was a believer I’d pray for it, if I were a singer I’d hold a concert for it, if I was rain I’d pour it down on you in waves, but there’s no need for that, because you will; for loving you in this moment in time has been the best feeling I’ve felt in a long while.

Loving you is or rather was the best thing I looked for each day, to love you more was becoming an acquired taste, now I am stuck with the worse part of all, trying to forget you.

Groundhog’s Day

Groundhogs Day

Going through a break up is like experiencing Groundhogs day.

For those unfamiliar Groundhog’s Day is a Bill Murray film in which he relives the same day over and over again. Although many “versions” of the film have been made in the past years, I still somehow recall Murray’s version possibly because of the early tune “Groundhogs Day” that plays every morning he woke up.

So, how does this relate to going through a break up? Well, it’s repetition; that sense of waking up each morning knowing the person you’re in love with you is no longer in your life.

That sense of realisation haunts you.

Just like Murray’s film there are things that you try to change each day, so it doesn’t feel so bad, until you catch yourself in a moment or situation that reminds of that person, and you just want to die😂

Experiencing the same day over and over again let’s you explore a lot of emotions, it’s like an emotional roller coaster.

One day you wake up feeling sad, the next day you feel angry, the next frustrated, the next day calm because there is a certain belief at the back of your mind that perhaps it’s meant to be this way. Another day you want to pick up a phone and say Hi!

I hadn’t been in a relationship for about 2 years. As I know myself to be very analytic, I need to sink into different situations with a person so I know exactly what about them I like.

The only issue with that is, once I sink into deep, and things don’t go well, I am left drowning in all these memories, that might not necessary belong to me, but I have loved them as my own. Fuck, I sound like I’m saying a riddle.

It hasn’t even been that long, yet I feel like my bed at night is a deep swimming pool, that I sink deep into, so I tend to wake up in the middle of the night to sit for a while, I’m scared of drowning.

Hours were I think of a story but have no one I want to tell but them.

So what does one do, when they feel stuck in this day of emotional drama, well create a different routine to drown out this noise of the other.

Run, even if the memories chase you, run. Sweat, even if the sweat reminds you of being locked inside a room with them mingling your bodies and merging your feelings, just sweat it all out.

Create another routine that makes you think anew, eventually, you’ll feel better, not all of you, but part of you and then you begin again.

I might pulling a straw out my ass; enlighten me. Write to me, what does a break up feel like to you?

Invisible rules

When we fall into certain relationships, we agree to certain rules, some of them we might not necessary agree to but social norms dictate that we should, but I’m me, I’ve been fighting social rules ever since I was a baby, so I am having a bit of trouble.

I have many times in this blog written about relationships, ideas I might have about relationships and difficulties that arise in relationships, it seems however even knowing what can arise nothing really prepares you for when it happens.

So, here is my current story, I find myself in a position where I could pursue a relationship, this is the only platform I can admit that since I can’t admit that to her “she probably would freak out” but in all honesty I look at her, I think of her, and in my stomach it’s all butterflies, it’s true yet somehow it’s all complicated.

If I were to start detailing the whole ‘relationship’ it would take a while to get where I want to get. The summary of it is as follows: We have spent a lot of time together, we had a strong intimate time, just writing about it takes me back to it and I am smiling; we have strong lengthy conversations, it’s quite a match made on earth really, but as I go back it’s rather complicated.

First complication is that I am now far from her, quite far really and already that puts the relationship on edge. As intimate as a person can be with someone over the phone seeing them face to face provides something different; having to converse over the phone all the time gets frustrating no matter how strong the “connection”. I think that factor hangs over us, even if we can admit it or not.

I like the girl, no, honestly I really do, every nonsense about her I like, frankly I don’t care how she feels about me liking her, I liked her before the sex, even more after it. I can assume she likes me too but that wouldn’t be factual unless she admits it.

So, we fought, not the first time, but we did, the most awkward fight really, I am still yet to wrap my head around it. My version of the story goes “she hung up the phone on me after a long conversation. Internally I said “that’s rude” but I laughed it out. She calls me minutes later asking what happened? I say, you hung up the phone. She denies it. We lose connection. She calls again before I send a text saying I couldn’t hear her. She says why am I not picking up. Okay, she says a lot of things, she’s frustrated. I am confused at what is happening. End of version.

Now, everything you read, everything story you’ve heard concerning relationships tells you as a guy you should apologize, that somehow in these sort of arguments you are wrong, and she is right; those are the social rules. However, for the life of me, I can’t. Every fiber in my being cannot let me apologize for something I don’t understand, yes I can apologize for the misunderstanding that occur, but does that solve the bigger issue at hand? The issue remains that I don’t understand what the fight is about, yes, I am being logical, in a situation where perhaps I should look at it emotionally, which a part of me is, but it’s still a problem.

In an odd way, it seems we have reached a tipping point in our boiling pot of emotions. Neither of us is willing to acknowledge what is happening between us. I can acknowledge it individually as I am right now, admitting that I do have feelings for her, but I don’t think it would be a great idea to say it to her.

I am dying here; this is my form of release. To make myself feel better, to express deeply felt emotions I write them all down. I don’t think I am looking for a certain answer/solution, I already know the solution, but I can’t apply it, so what does it mean? Does it mean the relationship is declared none existing? How do I get myself to do something that I don’t believe is true? Would that not count as me emotionally lying?

How fair are these social rules that we must adhere to without necessary agreeing to them? I haven’t been in a relationship for a long time; rarely does a person find someone they connect to so well.

So there it is, my struggle. What other existing social rules do you find yourself in that believe are a challenge?

I want to be a real boy

Oh Pinnochio! If only you knew the consequences of being a real boy. It’s July, my mom’s birthday month, I called her to just talk shit, reminiscing about old and new shit really, yes she still loves money, even in the chaos of my province back home (South Africa)

While we were talking I mention that she’s getting old, which she enthusiastically adds yeah, I am getting old, but I still look gorgeous as hell, like I’m still in my 30s; she does really, for being close to 50 she doesn’t look her age, then she brings up this sore she loves rubbing salt on “So when are you having a baby, I’m getting old and you are in your 30s too?” of course as always I laughed it, being honest that I am not ready for a child.

That’s what I want to write about today, the idea of being a parent, having a baby. Pinnochio in the story relentlessly continues to wish to be a real boy. I am certain that he didn’t know the consequences of being a real boy. It is different when things become real.

I love kids, these little humans are fascinating to watch, as most people would tell you, the thing about kids is that there see this different version of the world than we do as adult, a world were I wish most of us would be in really. After I finished talking to my mom, I did something different in all the years she mentioned this baby business, I thought about it, not having a baby of course but I thought deep and hard about why I didn’t want to have a baby.

Of course one main reason being I don’t feel secure enough to have a baby, but in reality, I don’t think there’s such a thing as being secured enough. There will never be enough money for an individual, if it was so billionaires would stop making money already. As much as I want to say people have been making babies with minimum amounts of money, I don’t really want to that, I’ve been there, and I didn’t like it much, so I wouldn’t want my own child going through that.

The more I dug deep into why I don’t want to have a baby, the more I really don’t want to have one, well, for now, I don’t know, but what I do know is that, I’m scared, no I really am. I know people discover the reality of being a parent as they do it, but that reality scares me. I am really good with other people’s kids, but I fear what I would be like with my own child.

Look at how the world is, you’d think it’s getting more better, that understanding is flowing between us humans, but realistically it seems like it’s getting worse, old people are selling their ideas to the kids who grow up selling that idea to their kids, so really, we’re in a loop of hate, insecurity, violence, corruption etc. Then you’re asking me, a person who frankly is still scared of the world, to bring a child, someone who would essentially mean everything to me.

No, thank you, unlike pinnochio I’m not ready for that responsibility of things being real.

I’ve never imagined what my child would be like, but either way s/he will have black genes that are mine, and already this little person will start racing behind the pack, no matter how rich I may be, they will play some type of catch up; it’s unfair for me to judge like that, but I can’t help it, I live in that reality; the difference is, it doesn’t bother me at all, it doesn’t really, I laugh at it and walk away laughing, the problem is, I won’t know how my child would take it, even if raised well.

So, I guess I will have to apologize to mom, although it’s still early in my life, it seems unlikely that I will have a child anytime soon.

What are your thoughts on children? Did you have any particular fears? How did you overcome them or hope to overcome them?

On the previous episode

This is definitely one of those readings were you think it’s about one thing but totally find out it’s not.

You’ve watched an episode of a series where they give you insight of what happened on the previous episode, usually meaning the episode you’re watching will continue from the actions and events of the previous.

Its a nice transition really, it usually means you get an opportunity to jump in right were things left off, you didn’t miss much; Well real life works a little bit differently.

Me and a colleague of mine once in a while get ourselves into interesting banter; usually coming from situations we might face concerning a female. One such conversation involves the idea of people needing space/time or just a sense of being ignored really.

Listen everyone has a busy life really, we are all occupied with our little life’s, trying to make our ideas grow to something beyond dreams, a need for personal time.

When a person asks or just gives them space from you; it should be expected that once they choose to return into your life, you will not be in the position you were in previous, you as a person would have grown too.

People forget that life doesn’t wait for anyone, especially in any sort of relationship. If as friends we break up for some reason, and we make up, do not expect my train of thought to be were you left me, expect yourself to use words like “you’ve changed so much”

Not really, I’ve just grown as a person.

Where does this conversation stem from, well, it stems from a lady who indirectly had asked me to give her some space. As a person who’s forever developing I hope she has no expectations that she’ll find me were she left me, neither do I expect her to be the same person.

I am not sure if what I am saying makes any sense. To make it more clear, if we break up today, and make up a month later, you can’t expect the same person you were in a relationship with a month back, yes my favorite color might still be grey but emotionally, psychologically a lot has changed, which is why I personally would find it difficult to get over being cheated on or caught cheating, that relationship is as good as over really, some people have the ability to get over it, I don’t think I have the ability.

Furthermore, the people I found attractive in high school no longer interest me now, I’ve changed, my ideas about what is attractive have been completed altered by my experience.

There so many examples I could give, especially involving events/actions from opposite sex. Chris Rock once said “women have the ability to leave you mentally” I’d like to think as men we also have the same ability to erase you from out of our mind, an ability were you could have been the most attractive, beautiful person in the world, but after too many times of bullshit, that all gets lost. Men can forget everything they saw in you; Were you become just another existing being in the world.

My ultimate point is there is no previously in real life relationships, we create a new episode that deals with new problems and new solutions to those problems. You have to be prepared for this type of reaction all the time.

What are your thoughts? Do you believe you’d still be in the same space? How long does it take for you to change?