The Male Spec-actor

Def. : one who looks on or watches |One who pretends, but secretly watches.

Welcome to 2022 on this blog were we still talk intellectual bullshit. Oh I’m kicking the year off with an intense topic. Should men not be involved in solving issues that women face?

You know I am here to collect your perspective so after reading, please leave a comment.

Ideas are started by individuals, and then further perpetuated by those (social masses) who agree with the individual. This is not to say the social mass was not thinking this all along, no, it is to say, someone made a point they agreed with all along, and it’s refreshing and releasing when someone does that. So you form/ join the social league.

So, can you take away an individual thought in a big idea? You can’t really. In huge social movements there exists individuals. We resonate with these individuals.

So, let’s agree.

Yes, there are problems. These problems are someone’s fault, we technically know who’s fault it is, but the aim is not to point fingers, because we know pointing fingers leads to some fingers being pointed back.

How do we solve the problem? This problem of men treating women certain ways that are wrong! How do we solve these socially constructed ideas about women either their looks, intelligent and their worth? I don’t know really, but I know including the people who are part of the problem is definitely a good start. Making statements that “they don’t have knowledge to understand” the problens, that won’t solve it. Instead it’s a fire being built by a group of people, and it’s not warming everyone up to new ideas/thinking.

I understand people who shut Asian/White people down when it comes to conversation about race as we note “they won’t understand the problem” I do it too really, I’m guilty, but being guilty though I don’t shut it down completely. I go back to throw a few jabs again to see if they understand, if they don’t I get off the ring and maybe wait I don’t know until when.

I have been a witness of so many ill events/actions caused by men unto women yet it doesn’t give me enough knowledge because I am not in the body, I am viewing it from the other side and that makes it complicated.

I can never be women, it’s hard to even imagine being one. I am guilty that even when I imagine being one, I childishly think of having breasts.

Everyone needs lecturing, of course men need to stop being spec-actors of the multiple issues occurring; Women on the other have to know they can’t come into that battle alone, without some “men” on their sides. Yes, but who are these “men”

My problem is I don’t know where I stand, I am a man, I am probably guilty of many inappropriate acts towards women, some aware of, others not, I just need to be put in a circle of men that need to be educated.

So ultimately here are some questions.

  1. Can men, us be trusted to listen without reaction?
  2. Are we dumb that we don’t understand women’s problems? Like are we thinking they don’t exist?
  3. When the fuck are we going to fix “Black/Coloured people” issues? Why is the race issue always being pushed backwards
  4. I’ve said too much

Remember leave your intellectual bullshit, I want to here your thoughts. A link that was shared to me. It was interesting to listen to


In theatre the term alienation ‘effect’ describes Brecht’s style of working. As we tend to always be reminded in readings it is taken from the German word….verfremdungseffekt.

Def. Alienation in the dictionary is described as: a withdrawing or separation of a person or a person’s affections from an object or position of former attachment. Distancing.

So I begin to write.

An addict I was, for probably my whole life, to certain things, to certain ideas and certain places.

I am an image of my former self, only those that truly know me can see through the fake skin I am wearing.

I am a reflection of something that has been left behind, or I am an image of a man exposed to the true reality of the world, my world.

I lived in a singular point, surrounded by alien colors, pink colours, colors of all emotions, now I find myself in a room with only a singular light illuminating, it’s not even bright, it fades away like yesterday’s memory.

What did I do yesterday? I was running backwards, chasing a memory of my former self. I found him, me, lying in a land of grass, with his head looking at the sky.

He was happy, I wanted to stay with him. I didn’t want to tell him that the things he loves the most will break his heart. That in time, from now, from this moment he is in, his smile will turn into many frowns.

That he will gain weight, not the good kind, not the one he wishes his skinny body could carry, no, no, no. He will gain weight in his heart, and in his chest it will feel heavy, his heart will drown in his own circulating blood.

His body will betray him. The images in his head will not be true.

I don’t want to tell him that. I want to sit next to him. Alienated from the rest of the world.

I am an alien here, in his memories, but I feel more alive then I have been in recent times.

I feel strange in the future, as if I am a guest in my own mind. In order to feel alive, I have to travel back in time. That’s really shitty!

_Purplish Flowers_

Theatre Work On Sale

See this as a review.

‘Idyllic Lives’

You can walk out of a show not liking how it happened, ‘the structure’, but you can fall in love with so many aspects.

The wonderful dancers that move so well they make your muscle orgasm, no, truly my muscles still have a shaking spasm for how well the performers could move.

The design, oh, what a design it was, like sex for the eyes, not everyone loves sex, so replace sex with whatever you desire and be charmed by that image, yes, that’s the stage design.

The music, I suddenly wished the live musicians were the show but I understand how without bodies dancing, the music would have been useless.

The work as beautiful as I have described it lacked a certain structure. In the world of comedians, its something they dub “Callback” the work began a certain way, a very beautiful way I might add, it lied to me really, it drew me in with the opening, dancers rolling like hay on stage but so hypnotic, I was caught in their web but after that it was filled with “moments” rather than a line structure, I was left saying ‘Oh wow that piece is nice’

Yes, it didn’t really connect together, the movements/dance although very wonderful there didn’t connect to the concept of the work, there were so many movements but they didn’t feedback to the concept at all, I felt again I was left watching how these performers could move wonderfully but not necessarily how they are creating a working narrative.

I want to defend it and say perhaps if I was Chinese, I would have gotten it more, but the audience around me although enjoyed it, I felt they too sensed the disconnect.

Can I go back to talk about the design? I get jealous, perhaps it’s because I hardly get to work with designers on my works. The design was something to feast your eyes on, it wasn’t like the best stuff in the world but I envisioned so many ways it could have been utilized, I felt all types of emotions.

Sand falling from the sky, something I’ve seen before, but totally worth re-seeing, animation, it could have been used more, it really could have. Bamboo sticks, OMG, they used those sticks for just a short moment but I screamed no, you are using them wrong, bring them back here in this moment, so it connects with what you did earlier.

I walked out content, I walked out understanding that we create differently, we work in certain ways, while some of us work in imagery others work in narrative, I am the latter, I want to connect my work to a certain line that when it ends you understand how it began even more.

I walked out wanting to create again, to build that connecting story, now I wish I could steal those performers.

What work have you seen and connected with lately or disconnected?

The Race card II: What did you just say?

People are tired of race conversations; damn, I’m tired of race conversations, but I’m only tired because people take every little thing so seriously.

Some racial/racist things should really be laughed at. It’s only things were people are unfairly reaping benefits or causing harm that it should be taken seriously; other than that who really gives a fuck

“Did you die?”

If you didn’t, why does it matter; let that person be stupid. I really find humor in every racial stereotype that I can find, at most times I blatantly make the stereotype apparent and let us converse around it.

Mlondi my friend told me he got into a conversation were Chinese asked him why he was black, which he replied why do you guys have small eyes like this (imitating the eyes).

If you’re still going to cry like a little bitch when racial things/stereotypes/ non lethal/threatening offenses happen that concern race, then my friend there is a long road ahead.

This read will take quite long, get chips/nachos/tea/wine or whatever you freaking eat/drink in your place of comfort.

The least Racist person in the room.

Last month I drafted a writing that talked about race, I didn’t publish it; I thought it wasn’t a little immature, focused too much on self rather than looking at the bigger picture; However elements from that writing do appear in this, because I am looking at ‘Race’ in a sense. Conversations about race are always complicated aren’t there? More importantly lately racism. Who’s more racist? I think everyone is actually a little racist; either direct or indirect, if you can’t admit that then ‘my friend’ you need help.

As pre other writings I like making myself and my experiences as examples, this writing will be no different.

There has never been a time were I fail to mention the first person I ever had sex with was Indian.

Uhmm that’s a little bit racist right? Yeah kinda

What had triggered this writing? Well after vicariously experiencing a little ‘racism’ I began asking myself, friends and colleagues some questions; Perhaps the main question being: Should I be offended by every racist thing that happens?

Using a word I clearly did not know as a racial slur for a black person, someone next to me was insulted. I of course did not pick it up; because I wasn’t familiar with the word. I was a little bit confused so I then went to ask this question to everyone in my contact by phrasing it as follows.

Should as an African black person I be offended by the word Nigga?

The answer is as Chris Rock once said “not really”. I left the answer to the public and I got different answers some expected, others surprising.

  1. I can’t relate to the nigga word cause I or my parents or my ancestors never got to be called that or disrespected like that.

For me as an African, kaffir is what would make me livid.

Kaffir is a racist term used in the Southern Parts of Africa to offend the black person. Unlike like nigga it’s really hard to take ownership of the word, and use to it to greet fellow black brothers and sisters, it somehow still holds sensitivity towards others.

Please read What’s up my Kaffirs, I wrote it a. long time ago. It will shed some light.

  1. Every black person must be offended by the word. Racism anywhere in any form must offend us!

As a writer, my issue with the word nigga is that it has become an embodiment for the black racial slur… it’s the N-word; but honestly in context I don’t really relate to it. The word is famous because it’s American.

  1. JC intent Also matters .(why did a person use a word ?) I am questioning in a non-English speaking country, the person might not know the connotation attached to the word ?I don’t know. You could swear at someone unintentionally in Mandarin I imagine ??

Intention behind the use of the word. As stated the word Nigga has been reformed in a sense by Black Americans, they have taken ownership of the word thus in a sense making it null void.

The problem again comes back to the fact that for other words, ownership might have not yet been taken, the use of that word opens up wounds; this is not to say nigga doesn’t open wounds, it does according to who uses it and in what manner.

We are all technically a little bit racist, and I think it’s okay to be a little bit racist; it’s the overachievers of racism that make the world an ill place to live in.

Does it not count as a little bit racist to be excited that you slept with someone outside your own race, it doesn’t matter if the feelings are real or not, that little excitement is kinda of racist.

I’ve heard people saying it’s racist for white people to say ‘I’m not racist, I got black friends’, yeah it’s kinda racist but black people use that line too, so why is it not considered racist?

This all comes back to the question of who’s more racist than the other or a question I posed “Can black people be racist?”

Uhmmm yeah of course, depending on the situation black people are hella racist. I have come to realize however that in their own space/country/community people really do tend to be racist/indifferent.

In your own country you feel a sense of belonging and ownership, so of course you tend to act indifferent to anyone who is not from there; So ultimately that is what creates this racist ideology.

I don’t have all the answers though, I just have questions.

If you have something to add, feel free to add, I like having these conversations as long as we find humour in them.

Waiting for the beat to drop

The crowd is gathered, horny, high, vibrant teenagers and young adults. Everyone standing below the DJ looking like ants at work; I’m in an elevated position, analysing; these people, us, we’re like water in a kettle, boiling, it’s quite a slow boil but it’s boiling and then I can explaining it as the lid of the boiling kettle lifting off.. as the beat drops and everyone starts jumping up.

Music really does affect us differently as people. As I stood there waiting for the beat to drop, I looked at all these individuals excited, in absolute thrill. I wondered why it was not affecting me as much as it did them.

You have to understand I consider myself a musical whore; In a sense that I can listen to any type of music and get a thrill from it, of course depending on my mood. There I was feeling something in the music, but I didn’t want to bounce like boiling water and lift off like a shuttle to space.

That is the scene at this first club I attempted to join. I’ve never been a fan of clubs really, I don’t think I probably will ever be.

At home, the ideas of club scenery tended to instill a fear of uncertainty for me. Uncertainty of life vs. death, and I didn’t like those odds. You could step into the wrong guys foot or probably dance with the wrong fe/male and then your life is in shambles.

So eternally I stayed away; however that’s not all that made me stay away. I love music, I love people having fun and letting off whatever steam they need to release.

Having to spend so much money is that factor that rubs me off. Why does everything have to be so expensive in clubs? Is a good time suppose to be so expensive. I thought the best things in life are supposed to be for free; I certainly prefer those.

Now the second scene is a bit different. The music still loud that you feel your eardrums vibrating, yes, your eardrums, perhaps thats another thing I’ve never been a fan of music that is too loud. I like the idea that it helps you get more intimate with whomever you might have jelled with… that you can be able to whisper in your “partners” ear, however that’s a disadvantage on its own; technically nobody comes to a club to talk.

Ahhh fucking hell.

I was attempting to see if I didn’t like clubs because of the circumstances back home but I ended up realizing it’s not my scene, and don’t get me wrong I have nothing against people who go there, as I said, I think there are some advantages especially if you’re not going alone.

My experiment had me investigating by myself, which is not a really great idea. When you’re in a club alone, it’s like everyone can see you are alone. As a dancer I could slowly feel the music running through my body but I felt I was dancing out of place, that I seemed desperate, but I was really enjoying it but at the back of my mind, I felt really out of place. So advice don’t go alone to these places.

I met some interesting souls, I loved them, they were fun. Beautiful girls and boys, no, really, the boys were beautiful too and gay I believe; Gay people have such lovely attractive energy, I like it. It’s so much fun to be around that energy.

In every club scene you have scavengers, you can tell; it’s the look in their eyes. You know those people who came to get a lay, maybe that’s another thing that has both advantages and disadvantages; I never really liked the idea of that; but we are young adults, we deserve some fun. Honestly however it looks really creepy to look at women like that, rather have them be drawn to you because you are having fun, your energy is magnetic.

I think these places have their own people and they have found a way to make it work. You know, the ones that sit there and get high, others just looking on their phones, surely made a plan to meet someone here, bad idea really. With my stingy ass, love for music, hate for loud music, love for people, hate for crowds I am confusing.

I certainly love waiting for the beat to drop but I got shit to do.

If you enjoy the club scene please have me look at it in your perspective, let me see what you see, I doubt it will change my mind but experiencing your feelings is something I am interested in.

Milestones and Relationships

Even relationships have milestones. How often did you think the friends you have in high school would be your best friends forever, I mean let’s go even earlier back, those young days, those young friends you grew up with; at that age you certainly believed that you couldn’t live without them. There are certainly some of us who are able to keep the friends we had when we were young, however unless both of you shared identical interest and ended pursuing similar education interest it’s likely you are no longer the same together.

I probably have written this so many times inside different post but whenever I go home I always feel that my friends and I no longer share the same interests, beside the fact that most times they end up placing on this pedestal in terms of life; I feel that our interest are never aligned, their life’s are totally based on the lifestyle of the hood while I have seen what the world has to offer and as Dave Chappelle once said “I know the game now”

So our relationships have milestones, and believe me I won’t only be referring to the bad stuff but also the good we can have in these milestones. In honesty the milestones prove something about us social beings, that we are forever changing beings, that what once made you feel a certain way can progressively make you feel nothing later. In this blog I will intertwine so many events that highlight such, perhaps you will relate and argue if I am telling the truth or not, I could be pushing air out my ass really but we’ll see.

In 1997, I just moved into the hood, Willowfontain, due to some events that happened in my childhood, link below

We had to relocate. I was the new guy in the location, did not help that I was a shy kid, but it helped that I was adventurous. I made my first friend Bongani he was quite older than me, but I remember we were best pals. In that time that guy made moving into the new location not bad at all, I certainly felt like I was forgetting the old town I was at. He lived quite a few houses from me, so naturally I believed we’d last like a soapie, but life doesn’t work like that does it. He was older as I mentioned, as we grew his mentality on what to do as a social being + male was ahead of me; he began to explore, I had other interests. What probably changed the dynamics of our relationship was that he introduced me to some of his friends and lord behold, I was more best-friends with them than him.

So we moved apart in life. Unfortunately, or rather very fortunately, the friends he introduced me too became my besties and are still in my life today, Bongani on the other hand has seen a lot of terrors in life. He certainly grew up quickly, looking at how his life turned out we clearly were destined for different lifes; now and then I see him, greet him and wonder if he remembers that we once were best-friends

A friend of a friend of mine.

In the earlier 2000s I made a couple of friends, stolen in my previous friendship relationship Thulasizwe “Engine” because when he was young when he walked he use to make an engine sound all the time, I mean all the time, and Sipho “Bones” because he was very skinny, it took me til my late 20s to figure out that name, I swear I never knew what it meant. These guys are still the only people around the location I grew up with I consider friends, we did everything together from smoking teabags, playing local baseball, soccer, karate clubs and fights, a lot of fights. However, life did create a huge gap between us; we never went to the same schools, I was, as I still am an education nerd, I saw something in life, I believed I could dig something out of it than what it was offering me, so slowly we were drifting away from each other without realising it. I will come back to them later.

Primary school

It’s possible to meet someone in such a young life who will become so close to you that you consider him a brother, and oddly enough our relationship didn’t begin very strong, it was rather here and there. In this life time I met Mduduzi ‘Ray” the name Ray came later in life; This man means a lot to me, if I consider one man a brother from another mother it is this man. Together we have experienced a lot, even when times changed and life took us in different directions calling this man when I was in need of something or calling this man to just say ‘hey’ makes me breathe easily. We’ve had our fair share of fights. There was a long gap in our relationship from secondary primary school to high school, a very long gap, but somehow life pulled us back together. Ray is a unique man, it hurt me quite a lot that at the end of our high school I left him behind; however, like I said we are all meant to take different journeys and most of those journeys make us who we are today.

High school

Stats say a lot of things; statistics say some of the relationships we create in this milestone lasts quite long. It is not for everyone however, but it is for some. Stats say some of the intimate relationships we make in this milestone last a lifetime, I was unfortunately not amongst those either, I am rather happy about that, as I am happy for those who found the love of their lifes in this time. I had a friends who got married in this life time and still married til this day, kudos to them.

Again that feeling grew in me, that the people I meeting here will be my friends forever, and for a long while it felt like that, for the who lifetime of high school it felt like the friends I was making in this era would be my friends forever, and I had crushes, being inlove for the second time felt foreign, I understood I was changing. I met Philani ‘Terry’ in 2005 the Mariah Carey years of We belong together, although that song is dedicated to the crush I had at that time Nondumiso. Terry and I were pigs in a pond, we vibed, we had the same interests, we loved books and we dreamt of making it big in Hollywood, a wish years later I wish I never had, I realised early on how hypocritical Hollywood really is.

We got separated the next year as our learning interest didn’t align but our friendship survived as it would survive til 2008 (the end of high school). As I said in high school a lot of us create relationships, I had a lot that lasted and l a lot that I thought would transcend time but again life has different paths. In high school I met Nkosinathi ‘Mazzi’ a man of honour. Our relationship did not have a great start, rather it was a confusing start but it grew to be a fruitful relationship that I appreciate til this day, and forever will appreciate holding on to it even after high school when things didn’t seem to go well for my brother; I was there for him and later he returned the favour by helping me back when I needed a place to stay in varsity. There is an old African saying, I know it to be African

“Isondo liyajika jika” which loosely translates to “The wheel always keeps turning, what was once on top, will be at the bottom someday”

There is a quite a lot people I could mention in this milestone of my life, but most of them just faded away. It is only I who now and then reaches out to see if life is still within them, I remember there is a gentleman Thamsanqa ‘Dollar’ that when I was in high school I promised myself that the day I get a dance school I was call him to come teach at it, that dream is still within me, it is with hope that he is still alive, life was never kind to him.

University and Work

Then perhaps there is this milestone, the one I consider to have made the most impact in my life, perhaps the one that has created a foundation to who I am today. When I was young I constantly would tell my location friends that life is bigger than the hood, we watched so many movies that clearly showed that there is more to life, that there is a whole world, last year we had this conversation, I was telling them I am going to China, they were not that surprised Bones said “I remember you use to tell us that you’ll travel the world someday, back then we laughed but you never laughed at yourself’

University taught me a lot of things, if not how to enjoy being myself, as it does for all those who went to it, and are still experiencing it. Again, I created relationships that I firmly believed would last forever, some never did and some today, I don’t know what I would do without them. The first friend I ever made in varsity was Vukani ‘mavuka’ this man was an artist in nature, a revolutionist that came from the hood. Vukan was basically the opposite of me, while I was still cooked up in a shy shell, Vukani was the expressive wild card, man loved women, and some didn’t’ shy from loving him back, we made work together, he disappeared for year at one time, I brought him back because he had something I wanted, he was a performer and I wanted him in one of my works. I still talk to Vuks til this day, he was the one who dubbed me “The joker” no one even me knows why, but I reckon if not from the crazy things I do, its clearly from the fact that joker has J in it like my name. I grew up a lot in varsity, the beginning years were a struggle as with most of us, no money, so you wonder how you will survive but the lady who gave birth to me, my mother always somehow came through for me.

I met a bunch of people here, perhaps the one significant place to me in varsity was the drama department, for a long while I never wanted to leave that place, it felt like home, like I would be there forever, a decade certainly is forever, I watch friends come and go, lovers come and go

In varsity a lot of life milestones get achieved really; it’s in varsity that I had my first “girlfriend” Roopen, I heard she’s about to embark on her new milestone. It is in varsity that I first experience what heartbreak was, from the above of course, worse I didn’t even realize I was heartbroken til a lady friend Fallon, who I recently tried reaching to, sat me in the sport field and made me realize I was actually crying inside. She, Fallon was quite a special lady, I’m not sure if she knew it, I hope she did. At one point we sat on the roof at drama thinking about what life might have planned for people like us. Yeah, it’s just a memory now.

There is quite a lot that happens in varsity, and as much as you make a lot of relationships, you lose a lot of them too. I met lecturers who dressed me in confidence Paul, and those that inspired me Mr. X, a man who’d later indirectly teach me that you can be close to perfect as you can but you’re still human. I consider a lot of people friends in this milestone, again some I thought I’d never lose but life has this idea about how our paths don’t really tread the same way.

I met TQ and Mpilo in varsity, these fine gentlemen, I’d see them right in front of my eyes become national superstars. It is with honesty that i can admit that we drifted a part, but everytime i see them it’s like we are young again. I made fun academic rivals, people who knew how create life around them; Kline was one of the people who did that. This milestone is important for those that are able to get into it because it teaches you things that you should value and introduces you to this foreign environment, these people who you’d have never met if you lived in the location your whole life. The first friend outside my race I met here, Neesa.

I still question why I never fell in love with her; Well could be I was enjoying being her friend and being friends with girls is something I was use to. It’s in this milestone that you make such deep friendship relationships that you mostly never realize when you’re in love with someone, that happen to me, with a white girl named Lynn, but race, I wrote a book about it, link below.

As varsity years blew by I made long lasting friendships that changed my life, I met Sanele, the man dubbed suspect, a name that fits him like a glove, he can’t OJ out of it either, although if he could, he would. I met Letho ‘Army’ who has moved on to his new milestone of having a family, if one knew the road he took to get there, you’d be asking, how is he alive. Well in fact most of my friends from varsity you’d have that question. I met Sizwe here, a man who contributed to inspiring me to dance later who said, I inspire him, remember that wheel, it keeps turning.

Then there was Simphiwe “Fiddy” “Mfalme” there are more names, the man has more names that Jesus does, in fact with his beard he could pass as Jesus. I learnt a lot from Fiddy, and not all of it good things either, hence why he has made quite a contribution to my life. I’very lived with Fiddy as brother, a friend, a son, a father… in each other we’very played quite different roles.

We have had a fair share of fights, I directly learnt that giving up on something you love is not an option, but like I said, he’s human. He has flaws, from his errors I have learnt too, those that he can manly admit and those that he is afraid to admit. Sometimes if not most times I want to klap him in the head for the worse decisions he has made, but he’s a brother at heart I forgive him.

In my varsity milestone I achieved a lot, I was a learner and transcended to become an educator, it is when I was in these milestones of work that I met lovers, again stats say that you meet the love of your life at workplaces, it doesn’t say in what manner. I met Londeka while I was a junior lecturer at a college, after that our relationship grew wings and flew. I was happy, I’ve been in flings throughout my varsity milestone before but I was never in a relationship, then I was in one. For the life of me, I had hope it would last beyond time, but life changes doesn’t, it diabolical like that. When I planned a new leap into my next milestone, life didn’t necessary allow us to transcend together, i hope she is happy whever she might be.

While I was in this working milestone at university I met Mlondi, who I consider my best friend. Some journeys only the people who have lived through them can tell the story. We’ve played a huge role in each other’s life, we’ve cried on each shoulders when life had knocked us down, we might have even shared a woman or two without realization at some point in life, well that’s no secret. If I were to share the actions and events we’ve been through, it would definitely need it’s own blog. To even think that our relationship began in a different milestone for me as his educator and transcended to what we are now.

We continue to learn from each other, we continue to make mistakes and guide each other through them. Together we are in a new similar milestone, working as foreign English teachers in China. When we talk he tells me stories of how different his life has become, how he is reinventing himself to better, like Ultron his body and mind keep evolving. That is what a new milestone makes you realize that you can keep things that matter and discard those that don’t add value to who you are becoming.

If you’re reading this and you know me, and you feel that some words come out harsh especially if we created a certain relationship, I’d advise you to not feel that way, but rather ask yourself in the life that I am in right now, what exactly do you know about it. Do you know that I was in a Chinese prison for 5hrs, lost in translation and afraid what would happen to me? You probably don’t, most probably you knew after months; the reason being, the people who could help me, even mentally/psychologically/spiritually were reached and I was able to get help. It’s not you, it’s me, okay maybe it’sthe way of life really.

In this new milestone I am still learning,you’d have thought at the age I am in, I would have figured life out by now.

I don’t, I fucking haven’t.

What I have figured, perhaps what I figured years ago is I know what I want for myself. I’ve worked hard to put myself in every possible milestone I could that I wanted; I won awards, I learned how to create poetry, I flirted with a lot of women. All of it matters cause without it, without learning from those relationships and the mistakes in between I would be a different person.

Perhaps without a doubt, the one milestone that will Always mean a lot to me was when I became a brother to a young sister; I sure love all my family members, my mom Busisiwe, my little brother Lindokuhle but the one person who means everything to me is my little sister Lockia, I never really know if she knows, probably doesn’t but being the first person in 1999 I ever said I love you too my sister holds a place in my heart that perhaps no one will ever have, Yeah she has problems and she’ll get married to some dude some day but she’still my sister.

You see what happens in life, in each milestone we go through, we break barriers. We discover that life has a lot to offer. Life has all these various things to offer to everyone, I mean it won’t the same, you won’t necessarily feel like it is making any difference but you’d surprised.

I can’t wait to reach a new milestone, become an owner of property ‘dance’, only work for my passion, that would be something, and having a family; that would really be something, however I am not in a rush.

What milestone has made an impact in your life so far? Do share and perhaps we might end up sharing reveal deeper ideas

Adventures of a Black Chinese: Being a foreigner through the 5 natural senses

The term/saying “Being in one’s shoes has always been loosely used” technically one can never truly understand how one feels because we react to emotions/actions/events differently; Our lives are affected differently too. I have always tried to imagine what being a foreigner is like, being in a place or country that is not your own. Being surrounded by people who you cannot relate to, and who don’t understand you. It goes deeper than that doesn’t it though; it’s not just about the language, it’s everything. I want to talk more about that in this blog post.

You are sitting at home right now, I mean you have to be, the whole world is in quarantine. If you are reading this anywhere beside your couch at home, it’s fair to say you should be ashamed of yourself; Unless you’re someone who is working tirelessly to solve this epidemic, you sir/maam are a hero.

I have been to China for almost a month now, well, a month. It’s fair to say that things really are different and significantly it is fair and honest to say that I feel like a foreigner in here, you can’t really miss the difference, I am very close to midnight, if you get what I mean. Actually, if i’m being honest being in China has made me a little bit light skinned. As mentioned earlier it’s not just communication barrier that makes you feel like a foreigner in China it’s a whole lotta of things, and like my title says, I will explain “being a foreigner through 5 natural senses”. Let me remind you what senses I am talking about ‘Sight (Eyes), Smell (Nose), Mouth (Taste), Hearing (Ears) and Touch.

So take a seat, a couch, bed, a stool, bean bag, whatever really makes you feel comfy and hear me out.

  1. EARS (Sound/Hearing)

A really strange sense to begin with right? Go on touch your ears. We are able to emit sound because we can hear sounds. Communication is important when one can listen.  So can we all just listen to our perspective  govt and stay at home. The relation between mouth and ears is important so these senses might link.

Chinese are loud when they speak, loud than two conductors arguing for a passenger. To the foreign ear its all gibberish but its clear the conversation is heavy, or maybe it’s not, it’s a quiet normal conversation to them. To you however the demeanor of it seems heavy. Admit-tingly at one point i heard what seemed like an argument, I stopped in anticipation “This is it! first fight I will see between Chinese” unfortunately it didn’t go down that way. As I said in my previous Black Chinese blog post, it’s all stereotype really.

How does one communicate with a person who can’t hear, and understand what you are saying? there’s so much that gestures can say without making you look dumb or worse frustrated. Both of you ‘internally’ screaming why can’t this motherfucker hear me, I’m saying something so simple. It’s no one’s fault really, just the world is designed to be that way.

I have a TV in my room, it’s unused. I did once in a different hotel tuned some channels but all were speaking Mandarin, even football, can you believe that I have to watch UEFA champions without hearing those commentators “PETER DRURY”, is such a thing possible?? in China it is my friends. To not be heard should be amongst human’s greatest fears; Imagine a dog mauling you, and you’re screaming for help or if South African yelling “Fuseg” to no avail. It’s a pitiful example really but it’s enough to create an image in your head. As a foreigner without knowing the language; You end up staring at a person, wishing somehow you had telepathy, sending imaginary waves to the other person’s brain, and  explaining that all you want is “Sugar, please hear my thoughts Mr. Chinese man”

At one point I stood while a group of Chinese guys had a 30 minute conversation about me. I had someone translating but you know how translations are; these guys who say 5 paragraphs, and my dude would be like “Naah they are just saying you have a very nice smile” Bullshit, smile is one word bra. So coming to China? get yourself use to Mandarin, learn some words, especially if you’re young.

2. Mouth (Taste)

I did say mouth and ears have a relationship when it comes to being a foreigner; What you say and what others say here can be confusing. However mouth which relates to sense of taste goes beyond just communication; it also relates to food!! Yes, as you can imagine food is different here, very different really, my taste buds either jump with joy or cradle themselves in the corner like a white guy whose seen a ghost in a movie.

“I see dead people”

I grew up wanting to taste a lot of Asian food, a lot, but now that I am here, I don’t know. I will be honest some things are delicious, Gordon Ramsay would want a taste too, and then sometimes I think he would yell and swear

“What the fuck did I just eat!!!”

You can be hopeful that you definitely will find something that your tongue can get use too, or be a none adventurers person who lives on McDonald’s or KFC daily, which is a bad idea really. I want to try it out, to mix Chinese way of making food with my own way. Things are sweet here, savoury products are everywhere, I think most things in China that relate to food have flour in them; if not flour, it rice/pork. I asked myself how are Chinese not fat, but i soon realized the meals are actually quite balanced and Chinese walk, and work out, mostly walk a lot! So people you should really start walking to places. Well don’t do it now, you’re in quarantine.


3. Nose (Smell)

We all know when you get to China you have to wear a mask, no that is not something new, it’ has forever been like that. While just randomly walking I thought of this, I looked at a guy close to my age with a mask on, he looked rather comfortable while I was having a hard time managing my mask then it hit me, this man has been wearing such a mask ever since he was young. He has grown up with the idea of it constantly being on his face, at that moment I kid you not, a child passed by with his mom and I was like yep, i was right.

Where am I going with this? well in China I have to use my sense of smell differently, I have a mask on all the time. So I am not using it at 100%. It’s hard to get use to it, but rather alive then dead. Odour is really different too except farts, those unfortunately are the same if not more potent and deadly, don’t ask me how I know. Just know I was like Mario in that moment ” How do I breathe?” If you’re a fast food human being you’ll be glad to know that KFC still smells the same. You know that smell one experiences in the taxi when someone opens a box of KFC? How hard the smell hits and instantly you crave? Yeap! that smells hits the same way.

4. Touch

There is a distance between me and my Asian (Chinese) companions; the distance is quite apparent I can tell you that. In the Metro train, the common form of transport here in Shanghai (Probably whole of China), there exist a distance when we sit on the bench. The trains get really full, apparently I haven’t yet experienced the capability of it’s fullness, but I can tell you it gets crowded. If it was that crowded on South African Trains, i tell you by the time the train gets to the end, a lot of cellphones and purses would be lost. I began to notice that when I am sitting on the bench I mostly end up sitting alone, if someone is sitting next to me, there is quite a distance between us.

I thought I was paranoid, then I began an experiment for myself. First finding an empty chair in a region that i know gets full then sitting in the middle of the bench, so no matter were you sit, you’ll definitely be close to me. Well people opted to rather stand at most times. Telepathically I was telling them “Dude it’s a long way, come sit down”. One time I kid you not an older couple stood and walked to sit somewhere when I sat next to them. Well it doesn’t happen as cruelly as it sounds. However there are times were I wonder god damn, do I have COVID-19, and these guys see it; but then I am like “whatever”


5. Eyes (Sight)

I can see the fear in your eyes! I can see the curiosity in your eyes! I can see a lot in your eyes! In the previous writing i did mention the constant occurrence of the stare. Yes, the Chinese can see that I am a foreigner, I see them, see me, see them. It’s rather obvious, I am black & handsome looking, and I have a beard. Oh yes, I haven’t seen anyone with a beard yet in China, even the older people?? hmm what about that! Wherever I walk I am reminded that I am a foreigner, I am reminded that I am different through the stares. You can instantly sometimes the “why me” look when you enter a store. The young Chinese lady screaming why did she have to be the one at the til. I secretly laugh at that one; I am laughing at it now.

Some young ladies really get excited, get excited to talk to you and look at this foreign man. First day I arrived there was a girl who couldn’t stop wanting to talk to me and look at me. I think she was the first and probably last person to break the invisible contact barrier. The girl was so curious she wanted me to get her numbers/socials, her boyfriend didn’t like that very much. I think after I left they had “The talk”

The most interesting stare I have gotten however was from a young kid, a very young kid in the train. He did not know either to be afraid or curious, he was in limbo! He kept looking at me. So I looked back at him. He would run away but curiously comeback, it has probably been the cutest thing in the train for me.

I am speaking from male perspective in this situation, a lady acquaintance I know said her butt is quite a main attraction, surprisingly rather from females then men. That is another thing that I have seen a lot of actually. Perhaps it’s just a common thing but I have a lot of females holding hands, I mean really, really holding hands, and quite affectionate. You know what, no one really cares about it too. No one gives them any stares except me, i get stares.

It’s a wow, how these simple things can make you feel out of place. Being a foreign really is feeling out of place, but then like any foreign substance that enters a certain space, it’s either you adapt or get rejected. I am not aiming for rejection, so it’s a matter of adapting. These foreign shoes fit nicely, there make me feel like I have really taken a strange interesting adventure in life.


If you got something to add, something to say, don’t hesitate.



My English teacher spoke IsiZulu

Years back I ran into a gibberish of words jumbled up, with no sense but I could read them; it was one of those things that try to make you feel guilty by saying “if you can read this you are lucky”

It’s such a small thing isn’t it, it seems small being able to read and write, specifically for this writing post, being able to read and write English. If you can read this blog and importantly utter the words as you read, consider yourself to have knowledge, well you have a tool that give you access to an abundance of knowledge/information that is waiting for you to discover it. However because you probably take things for granted, you will read and say whatever.
I am dedicating this post to my English teacher Ms. T.I Dlamini. 

I am currently a foreign language (English) teacher in China. I have a lot of history with this language, I have been a fan of reading and writing since I could remember, certainly it’s not something I will quit on doing soon.

With honesty I can say that it’s not easy teaching English to young kids. Can you Imagine it’s only been a week for me so far and I can tell how strenuous it will be. Again to be honest I think the strenuous part of it for now is that I have spent so many years doing more action than talking that talking seems almost foreign; gosh how do people talk so much it’s exhausting; and of course having been an academic lecturer teaching young kids might seem like an easy transition but gosh!! I can feel my voice box cracking already.

However as much as this post reflects on that; I want to reflect on something more significant. It refers to the title of this post.

During my tenure as a student, a high schooler, our English teacher while teaching English would break into mother lingo, this of course to explain better what she is teaching. I was trapped in two minds about that action of hers, loathing it to the core and finding appreciate how relaxed she was about teaching us this foreign language.

As an adult and an English teacher in a foreign country I am leaning more on seeing the bigger picture to her actions. My eyes have been widely opened about what she did and how it was helpful to us to learn a second language.

Let me explain how!

If this happened to you as a high schooler you’ve probably figured, maybe were I am going with this. Honestly English is not an easy language to learn, it is a foreign language. It is a pool with sharks, English being the sharks that you have to swim around. You have to know these punctuation marks, these letters and put them all together. Ahhhhhhhh!!! The headache.

So Ms. Dlamini would break it down using IsiZulu, something we were familiar with, something we grew up around, only then would be go “Ohhhh” I get it.

She would literally break down whole assignment/task in IsiZulu but she was very strict in how the writing was constructed. You still had to make sense, English was English after all.

Why am I noting this? Well being here I have seen that the Chinese teachers sometimes, well most times have a transition, they use the same tactic of using Chinese to teach English. Only in those moments were the language seems difficult. You can see the kids nodding in understanding afterwards.

So there it is, the trick, well it is not necessarily a trick, I think probably worldwide this is a utilized tactic. The English really did us nasty didn’t they? You can try deny it as much as you can… like how you deny that the Christians won the religion battle (just ask yourself what year is it) English is a universal language.

To communicate better as humans and interact, English is the form of language used. I think no matter were you go in the world, if you know English you stand a better chance to survive then if you only knew your native language…well unless you’re lucky enough to bump into a fellow native, but what are the chances you will find a Zulu man in Asia.

There is an advantage to learning languages, as many as you can. At the centre ofcourse there is English, French, Portugese and Spanish. Chinese is slowly squeezing its way in but damn, it’s not easy, so the race is long for it. The world is changing, quickly too, we are inter twining constantly; cultures are crossing borders, ideas and whole lot more. In the words of Pieter Dirk Uys it is time to “Adapt or die”


What are your thoughts?

Adventures of a Black Chinese: ACT I

The world is a strange place, it sells us these ideas about places and people that we believe it without making an attempt to experience such ideas ourselves. I have been to China, Shanghai not for that long but I have been here long enough to see the many differences it has compared to what home (South Africa) is like. I’ll be honest and say it’s not necessarily all good but it’ is what it is.

However, before I even begin to share my experience so far, I have to out and say this one; it was obvious and clearly stated by Jackie Chan in the film The Tuxedo when he says “Not Every Chinese is Bruce Lee” that is about as true as it gets. It’s not that I expected to see a group of Chinese people every morning by the pond doing Tai Chi or multiple schools of Kung Fu doing training… okay…maybe just a little bit… just a bit; Especially that Tai Chi part, I was going to join, I brought my wear and everything, now I’m stuck doing it in my room by myself.

Anyhow where shall I start?

  1. A sense of community

I want to start with this because it interests me probably the most, especially because it has so many layers in it. You know that quote ‘everyone in China is Chinese, and everyone else in the world is racist?’ Yeah there is a quote like that and it’s true. I am not saying Chinese people are not racist but we’ll get to that later.

“Everyone in China is Chinese” I mean don’t take the statement literal, it’s more profound than that. I want you to think of a strike, yes, a protest! Let me make an example ‘Fees must fall/Black lives matter” imagine it in your head!! Just imagine it! When I get to point 2, we will come back to deconstruct that imagination. This is what Andrew Stanton calls “Making a great promise to the reader” a promise that if you continue listening and/or reading my story it will be worth your while.

First thing I realised is that there are no individual houses? Perhaps I live in a city (Shanghai), I don’t know? But you know how everyone has a house at Home, that yeah, I own a house? There are no houses here, I have only seen apartments! Everyone lives in a complex! Yes, think of Res with more spacious conditions of course; that’s a Chinese home.

I am sure there are places were this is different, I don’t know but for now my experience is that, people living together. I cannot imagine this being a possibility back home. Everyone is always complaining and comparing something, ‘who has what and who doesn’t! it would never work really. People that drink would argue too much with those that don’t, religious people with those that like adulting (Because we all know religious people love acting like they don’t have sex!); it would be chaos really.

You can see how this sense of community filters everywhere, and in everything. I see people driving in the street on scooters/motorcycles while having a conversation with each other. Can you imagine that? Back home it’s like people are always in a hurry that conversations are things only done on holidays and even then, it’s just horrible.

  • Carefree living

I think this point filters in under community. I get why Chinese/Asians are labelled and stereotyped under “Bad drivers” I don’t think it’s bad driving really, it’s a form of culture they are use to. Here in China streets lights are a ‘guide’ system rather than authoritative one. If there is an opportunity for you to drive while the light is red you drive.

It sounds dangerous but it’s simple. I sometimes even see cars driving the opposite directions of where there are suppose to be going and instead of hooting and yelling, the other driver just drives on the other side; no care in the world.

As Cheng would say “Did you die?” meaning yes, I am driving the wrong way but “Did you die?” if you didn’t die then why are you angry!!?? Please don’t try this at home (WWE)

This carefree living has created a sense of ease within the people. This had led me to conclude there’s no crime or violence in China! Which is awful right? I was really hoping to see a guy stop one guy to fight & telling him ‘He killed his father 10 years ago’ but no such thing. Why am I saying there’s no crime?

I haven’t seen anyone being disciplined by the police, okay, I have seen one black South African guy. Can you imagine? This brother comes all the way from home to cause a ruckus in China? I couldn’t believe it. I have seen police but no one being jailed? No drugs being sold in the streets? Maybe I am living in the safer parts of China?

An important point is there are things everywhere that could be stolen!!

The bicycle system in China is amazing!! I definitely know it would never work in many countries including South Africa because that many bicycles just sitting in the streets are waiting to be stolen. Literally there are bicycles in every corner.

Secondly, mail is left in the streets by the gates? What? Yes! Packages of mail are left just outside the gate, if you know you got a post coming you can just walk outside your apartment and take your package which no one stole IN THE STREETS. Can you imagine that? There could be money in there!!! But you don’t take what doesn’t belong to you. The TRUST

I once saw a see-through bag pack. I instantly thought it’s Asian, because only in Asia would one have the balls to let people see what they had in their bag pack. You do that shit back at home, by the time you reach a corner, you would be either stabbed, beaten up or worse killed. We’re not that bad, just that at home (South Africa) everyone only thinks for themselves. There was a point/time when black people had this community culture but it was utterly desecrated/destroyed by the British Empire, now it’s survival of the fittest.

  1. Integration

I was telling my friends and acquaintances that I understand why Chinese people look at foreigners the way they do. I can tell you that it’s not “They are here to steal our jobs look” or “Here to take our wives” okay that second one… let’s hold on that one.

The look is of pure amazement; that’s the word I have to describe it for now. I made an argument that imagine for 70/80 years of your life you’ve never seen a black person before and suddenly you bump into one. You’re totally thrown off, some would probably think, this is death right here coming to take me.

Remember when I said in China everyone is Chinese? Well mostly everything in China is in Chinese!  When you open a Chinese TV there’s no other content except Chinese content! Everything! You can imagine trying to press the remote trying to watch your favourite show; well unless it’s Chinese and you can hear Chinese, you’ll find it, other than that. Oopsie Doodles!

Even the internet is in Chinese, if you’re coming to China really do get a VPN. You’ll research that on your own. This for Chinese, probably all Asian countries has worked, okay it has pros and cons, you know like everything else in the world. The cons of course only come because I’m here, if I am not here for them there are no cons. If no foreigner comes to China there are no cons in their no integration policy. Cons only come because as a foreigner you have this wide idea about the world. You have this broad understating that things are so different, cultures, traditions, languages etc. Chinese on one hand, most of them only know of China and they are totally happy/satisfied with that universe.

Let’s go back to that promise I made on top. You were imagining a protest “Blacks lives matter” Question is, now why would Black Lives Matter in China?? but that’s not what I want you to focus on. I want you to understand how even protests can be different. In a country like South Africa because we are so divided, we are not in sync with each other’s needs and values. We have a tendency to put ourselves above others, I am in no way saying that doesn’t happen in China, perhaps it does but more in South Africa and other countries like USA than in China.

When people in China strike there’s a sense that everyone wants the same thing, we are protesting together. We understand the needs of the protesters, we will join them in that protest to get that need. If there’s a protest in South Africa it’s “Oh the blacks are protesting again! What do they want this time?” or “Oh! look at the whites, they have no rhythm, how can you protest without rhythm” or “Well, it’s not our problem, we are fine in our community” it goes on and on.

No one is willing to say “Guys we see the same problem you’re seeing; in fact, we’re experiencing it too. Let’s fight together

It’s Charles Darwin all over again.

So ultimately my thought is that the pros outweigh the cons. I didn’t exclusively write the pros down but if you were reading this blog attentively, you would realise that the pros are in your face. I am in no way saying everyone in the world should be like Asian countries, all I am saying is that some of their ideas do work. To get my country to that stage would probably take decades; how would one even implement such an idea. Well I think I have an idea, but I will try it out and see if it works, for now I have a lot of things to learn in China.

The world is changing, drastically too, even the Chinese see it; if they did not I and many others wouldn’t be here.