When the lights turn off

I had an experience, for some reason I am having a difficult time putting it in the right words. That’s weird, me, a writer unable to put something into words.

I have attempted however it’s all foggy. I woke up in the middle of the night and I released all I felt. It was better, I felt better. The context is love affairs and casual affairs. The confusion of what it all means. How is one suppose to act in love affairs and casual affairs. Is there a rule book? Are there do’s and don’t? WTF! So this writing, these writings are split into two

Friendships and love (affairs) Pt. 1

Are like campfires? There only burn if someone keeps putting in the wood.
Wood is like the effort that keeps the fire burning, lets the fire produce all the warmth. It’s not a one person job, whoever is involved in the friendship/love affair is responsible for putting the wood in and blowing the air (is that a pun)

Both these things take effort… from everyone, once one person
is responsible for everything, the putting in the wood, the blowing, the sorting etc. it can
become rather exhausting.

That’s how friendships and relations end, when one person feels like their doing everything
to keep the fire burning but the other is lacking off.

I’ve seen fires go out and others get lit in life. Some fires I was responsible for letting them
die, some I felt like I was doing all the work. There is even the worse experience of going back to try and light the fire that died long ago, to try get back all that warmth, but then when the fire starts warming up you realize the reason you left it in the first place.

I’ve been the bad guy; watching the other person use so much effort to keep the fire burning and I stood there starting other fires on the side. When other fire didn’t work, I’d come back to this hot, warm, burning one. By the time I awoke, I was alone in that fire, the person who kept it alive had moved on.

This brings me to the second part of the writing. I urge you as a reader to find your own meaning here; I have this feeling of sharing these writings as there are, with the feelings I had when I woke up in the middle of the night to write.

When all the lights dim off pt. 2

What goes through your mind when you’re watching all the lights turn off. You watch all the
moments you were a part of disappear? Life basically telling you to move on, that chapter of your life is gone; it was bright for moment but it’s gone.

You watch these lights which are all you or rather moments in your life that you wished could stay lit forever. You start looking around to see if all the lights are really turning off, you run to see if the old lights, the ones you never took care of still work.

Yaaay! this one came on, but the moment an old light comes on, you remember why you
moved on from it in the first place; that light started to mean something else.
You stare at it again, you unplug that light, you make the decision of being the one to turn it
off.

As you make that decision, you then realize why some of the lights were turning off on
you. It’s not nice to watch all the lights turn off, it’s not all of them because there are lights that seem to always stay on in our lives no matter what happens, but there are ones that turn off, all the moments, all you have to do is nod, smile look ahead and work on other lights

Rewind II

Def: To begin again

Let’s rewind

To come back to a moment before you were naked under my skin

Your hands playing a cello on my back

Pause, rewind

To before my chest was the bridge to which your legs were walking on

Bent and crippled like a newly born giraffe

Rewind, pause

Before I left my soul between the sheets of your bed

You captured by sandman’s lullaby

Pause

Rewind

To you being a mysterious book I want to read without licking my fingers to flip the pages

Pause, rewind

Read that last line again.

I want to know you by Reading Lolita in a room were the sun hits my body so well, I get lost in its warmth, or is it just the thought of flipping through the pages of you

Pause. Pause. Pause. Rewind

To you, sitting across me, your eyes trying to undress me

Alas! I love that look in your eyes, like a coin in a mine I can get lost in those big eyes

Pause, Fast forward

To mysterious chapters; canvases so empty God is having a hard time deciding what to paint on it for us

Pause

I am here with a brush, if you want to, please bring paint

I don’t want to wait for God to decide

Pause,

Rewind

Alternate Ending

We’re sitting in your car and I tell you, I love you, but you already know. You know that because you can see the way I look at you, the way I laugh with every muscle in my body.

So this doesn’t change our fate.

I look look at you, holding your hand in mine. It feels so natural, this will not change the outcome of our future though.

I tell you I’m afraid to be with you. I’m afraid because I am in love with you too much and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it.

If I take you right now to be mine, it will only be you and me on the road ahead. Our colours clash, these man made colours of skin, yet
here is my heart beating for you.

I tell you ours is a dangerous love, a Shakespearean love, only leading to death of each of us.

You already know this though, you’ve told me a million times before in tears. My chest has been a handkerchief to many of your watering eyes.

You already know me and you being together will burn bridges, yet like the moon yearns for her love the sun, you yearn for me too, as I do for you.

Yet, that won’t change the ending. This confession won’t change the ending in stored for you and me.

The moon is bright, the sky is dark and clear. It’s a perfect engagement of dark and white, just like you and I.

I lean in, you meet half way, right at the border were our lips would meet.

I am looking into your eyes, this is something I’ve wanted to do since..

We kiss. I kiss you. We melt in each other. You kiss me. There’s nothing else except you, me, the moon, the dark sky, inside a little car at the parking lot.

The future now changes

To the girl running away with my heart

Tell my lover

If you see my lover please pass on this message to her.

Tell her I miss her, that everything I miss about her could be turned into a book if I were to write one.

If you bump into my lover tell her I said everything about her fills me up with hope, and a little bit of misery; of course, what relationship doesn’t have misery chilling at the back seat waiting to disturb a honeymoon; still it’s all of that which drives me crazy about her

When you see her, my lover, stop her, give her a compliment or an Instagram like cause she god damn deserves all those likes.

This is very important, before she disappears around the corner please shout out to her and tell her that damn ass of hers is fire, I see it rising like dough in the oven, but fuck you for staring at my girl’s ass.. 

If there was ever one more important thing you can tell her for me, as I no longer have the will to do it, please tell her following.

If you’re singer please do write a song, if you’re painter, please paint so she can hang it up in her tiny kitchen, if you’re poet, squeeze a line in your stanzas, like how I squeeze her bum, if you’re a teacher introduce her in a good ppt

Whatever your profession is, make a note of this request for me.

Tell her I love her.

That she has a home in my heart

A love letter to my lover

As everyone in life I’ve had to deal with a lot of crazy, funny, and hurtful things that life has to offer. In recent years none have managed to bruise me; you tend to build up thick skin for things that can hurt you in life, as everyone else does.

In those things I have felt none have been more hurtful than being blamed for not loving you.

I could be taking it into heart too much, I can be sensitive but you saying the words “I didn’t care”… no let me use love you, has been a thorn in my chest.

I don’t blame you in any sense. You are an amazing person, with flaws and all, but flaws I love. I began to question a lot of things being in love with you. I started to wonder if I’ve ever actually liked talking to a female person more than I loved talking to you.

I started to wonder if a girl has ever made me laugh like you do, or if I’ve ever went so deep in my own memories, digging stories so I can feel so close to you.

I wondered all these things and I smiled at the thoughts, nay I laughed because it seemed so untrue yet there I was loving without feeling any type of consequences

I must be a silly boy, but silly has driven me across a lot of bridges and so far, I’ve lived an entirely exceptional life.

I am sorry I didn’t love you the way you wanted to be loved. I guess I need to re-invent myself in the field of love, although I don’t question how I love, I got plenty of that, an entire ocean, all I have to question is how to love more, to go further into this deep sea that is me, there’s hope for me yet.

I hope you find someone who loves you more, the way you yearned to be loved. If I was a believer I’d pray for it, if I were a singer I’d hold a concert for it, if I was rain I’d pour it down on you in waves, but there’s no need for that, because you will; for loving you in this moment in time has been the best feeling I’ve felt in a long while.

Loving you is or rather was the best thing I looked for each day, to love you more was becoming an acquired taste, now I am stuck with the worse part of all, trying to forget you.

Groundhog’s Day

Groundhogs Day

Going through a break up is like experiencing Groundhogs day.

For those unfamiliar Groundhog’s Day is a Bill Murray film in which he relives the same day over and over again. Although many “versions” of the film have been made in the past years, I still somehow recall Murray’s version possibly because of the early tune “Groundhogs Day” that plays every morning he woke up.

So, how does this relate to going through a break up? Well, it’s repetition; that sense of waking up each morning knowing the person you’re in love with you is no longer in your life.

That sense of realisation haunts you.

Just like Murray’s film there are things that you try to change each day, so it doesn’t feel so bad, until you catch yourself in a moment or situation that reminds of that person, and you just want to die😂

Experiencing the same day over and over again let’s you explore a lot of emotions, it’s like an emotional roller coaster.

One day you wake up feeling sad, the next day you feel angry, the next frustrated, the next day calm because there is a certain belief at the back of your mind that perhaps it’s meant to be this way. Another day you want to pick up a phone and say Hi!

I hadn’t been in a relationship for about 2 years. As I know myself to be very analytic, I need to sink into different situations with a person so I know exactly what about them I like.

The only issue with that is, once I sink into deep, and things don’t go well, I am left drowning in all these memories, that might not necessary belong to me, but I have loved them as my own. Fuck, I sound like I’m saying a riddle.

It hasn’t even been that long, yet I feel like my bed at night is a deep swimming pool, that I sink deep into, so I tend to wake up in the middle of the night to sit for a while, I’m scared of drowning.

Hours were I think of a story but have no one I want to tell but them.

So what does one do, when they feel stuck in this day of emotional drama, well create a different routine to drown out this noise of the other.

Run, even if the memories chase you, run. Sweat, even if the sweat reminds you of being locked inside a room with them mingling your bodies and merging your feelings, just sweat it all out.

Create another routine that makes you think anew, eventually, you’ll feel better, not all of you, but part of you and then you begin again.

I might pulling a straw out my ass; enlighten me. Write to me, what does a break up feel like to you?

Invisible rules

When we fall into certain relationships, we agree to certain rules, some of them we might not necessary agree to but social norms dictate that we should, but I’m me, I’ve been fighting social rules ever since I was a baby, so I am having a bit of trouble.

I have many times in this blog written about relationships, ideas I might have about relationships and difficulties that arise in relationships, it seems however even knowing what can arise nothing really prepares you for when it happens.

So, here is my current story, I find myself in a position where I could pursue a relationship, this is the only platform I can admit that since I can’t admit that to her “she probably would freak out” but in all honesty I look at her, I think of her, and in my stomach it’s all butterflies, it’s true yet somehow it’s all complicated.

If I were to start detailing the whole ‘relationship’ it would take a while to get where I want to get. The summary of it is as follows: We have spent a lot of time together, we had a strong intimate time, just writing about it takes me back to it and I am smiling; we have strong lengthy conversations, it’s quite a match made on earth really, but as I go back it’s rather complicated.

First complication is that I am now far from her, quite far really and already that puts the relationship on edge. As intimate as a person can be with someone over the phone seeing them face to face provides something different; having to converse over the phone all the time gets frustrating no matter how strong the “connection”. I think that factor hangs over us, even if we can admit it or not.

I like the girl, no, honestly I really do, every nonsense about her I like, frankly I don’t care how she feels about me liking her, I liked her before the sex, even more after it. I can assume she likes me too but that wouldn’t be factual unless she admits it.

So, we fought, not the first time, but we did, the most awkward fight really, I am still yet to wrap my head around it. My version of the story goes “she hung up the phone on me after a long conversation. Internally I said “that’s rude” but I laughed it out. She calls me minutes later asking what happened? I say, you hung up the phone. She denies it. We lose connection. She calls again before I send a text saying I couldn’t hear her. She says why am I not picking up. Okay, she says a lot of things, she’s frustrated. I am confused at what is happening. End of version.

Now, everything you read, everything story you’ve heard concerning relationships tells you as a guy you should apologize, that somehow in these sort of arguments you are wrong, and she is right; those are the social rules. However, for the life of me, I can’t. Every fiber in my being cannot let me apologize for something I don’t understand, yes I can apologize for the misunderstanding that occur, but does that solve the bigger issue at hand? The issue remains that I don’t understand what the fight is about, yes, I am being logical, in a situation where perhaps I should look at it emotionally, which a part of me is, but it’s still a problem.

In an odd way, it seems we have reached a tipping point in our boiling pot of emotions. Neither of us is willing to acknowledge what is happening between us. I can acknowledge it individually as I am right now, admitting that I do have feelings for her, but I don’t think it would be a great idea to say it to her.

I am dying here; this is my form of release. To make myself feel better, to express deeply felt emotions I write them all down. I don’t think I am looking for a certain answer/solution, I already know the solution, but I can’t apply it, so what does it mean? Does it mean the relationship is declared none existing? How do I get myself to do something that I don’t believe is true? Would that not count as me emotionally lying?

How fair are these social rules that we must adhere to without necessary agreeing to them? I haven’t been in a relationship for a long time; rarely does a person find someone they connect to so well.

So there it is, my struggle. What other existing social rules do you find yourself in that believe are a challenge?

Tape recorder

I bought a Mcflurry today, it still tastes of you no matter were I go; Not you but the memories of you, each spoonful or half spoon brings back a bit of you.

I’m a movie character having flashbacks, unlike the movies only I see the memories, unless you read this, so will you

The memories are so quick, sharp, like the expansion of bubble gum between the lips. There’s a build up, this small huge amount of air, and then a sudden pop

All of it going away, and then the memories build again. I got cherry or strawberry flavor, you got chocolate, yet I see your hand creeping towards my ice cream like a naughty child… you take a spoonful and I look at you… the spoon lingering in your mouth.

You dip it back into your ice cream and take a spoonful, and I see the spoon heading towards my mouth.

It’s all so innocent, so childish yet looking at it now, it’s such huge gesture, romantic even.

The bubble gum pops out again. A new memory swirvs like a clicking sound of a cassette on repeat.

What are we doing? We’re sitting in silence, just lying there next to each other like the rest of the World doesn’t exist. It’s strange how we’re able to do this for hours, but I guess our fingers tugging on each other is all the conversation we need to have.

Being in a memory of you drowns me; it suffocates me; each time I think it’s giving me a breath of air as I drown in the happenings of life, I realize, it, the memory is the ocean that pulls me back, to drown.

I wish I could swim, so I could butterfly in these memories of you, we humorously both know that I can’t swim.

I am not bothered to learn either. It’s the first I’m admitting that, guess I am fed with the statements ‘you should learn, it’s so easy’ I’m sure it is, but I don’t want to fuckin swim.

It’s strange how a simple ice cream can be so delicious yet so cruel at the same time.

You like that? I hate that, let’s get married or some shit.

They say opposites attract, I say god damn, this is Romeo and Juliet all over again, someone will end up being dead.

Wait, who’s they? uhhmmm I don’t know.

It’s good that y’all support different teams, until someone says no sex, because Arsenal isn’t in the Top 4 again, that’s a long time without sex.

Opposites attract, like magnets drawn to its counter part, how true is that though? That we are drawn to people who are opposite us?

The question I want to ask is “Should we like people because they offer us something we lack or should we like them because they offer us similar taste?”

Of course I am not asking that question with intention of getting ‘the’ answer, there isn’t such, for such the right answer doesn’t exist.

While writing this I had a realization that I’ve never had a successful relationship with someone who wasn’t into art in some way, whether they loved it as spectator or as participants, it’s such a strange thing but it’s true; I am shook, because it was never my intention but that’s how it is.

In all that however, I am not really taking the side that suggests we should be with people who are similar to us, neither the latter, I am saying it’s complicated.

I have crushed on many people who were highly different from me, finding them to be utterly attractive, even right now, I am attracted to various people who have intellect that fascinates me.

These statements or social quotes, whatever, have blinded us for quite a long time, I think it’s about time we re_look at them and reboot their meaning, maybe when the statement was made it was for scientific reasons, and people just went along with it.

I’m not entirely sure what causes attraction, if I did, I would pause that button for a while because it can hurt to be attracted to someone who’s not attracted to you or both attracted to each other but circumstances don’t allow it.

It’s better to go with your feelings really, if you base attraction on the standars of science, well good luck to you Romeo/Juliet, see you on the other side.

However, the question still remains, I can let it hang in the air. Do you have standards in which you base your attraction on?

Write to me, invite me into your thoughts.

I want my hoodie back

I’m washing my clothes and some of them smell of you, not really you but the memory of you lingers on them. My Olfactory transmits you right into the front of my memories.

 

Each cloth I pick up, like an old cassette rewinds my mind and plays you; You are my old school jazz, and love making RnB songs.

 

You, in my big old clothes, like a hot sexy hobbo; somehow it looks better on you than it does me, maybe because I’m seeing twice the love.

I love how the hat tucks your head in and makes your eyes a secret; how it’s just short enough to show your thighs but long enough to cover the subject.

 

I want that hoodie back

 

Truth be told, I’m not sure if I want to wash these clothes, I want to lie here, in these dirty garments and just be absorbed in the scent of you; Be stuck in limbo of right now and what used to be

 

Damn, I really want my hoodie back, it’s not here.

 

You’re the last person who was wearing it. I said it’s looks better on you, yeah, only when you’re around me.

 

I’m going to report you

I want my hoodie back

So I can burn it, let it become ash just like our relationship.

 

Yeah

I heard you tuck it under your head when you sleep, like a pillow so you can think of me.

 

That’s nice, but like a league log table this race between you and I is over; I’m not sure you’ll even get that football reference.

 

I want my hoodie

It was mine, I only borrowed it to you because I wanted to keep your heart warm.