Alternate Ending

We’re sitting in your car and I tell you, I love you, but you already know. You know that because you can see the way I look at you, the way I laugh with every muscle in my body.

So this doesn’t change our fate.

I look look at you, holding your hand in mine. It feels so natural, this will not change the outcome of our future though.

I tell you I’m afraid to be with you. I’m afraid because I am in love with you too much and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it.

If I take you right now to be mine, it will only be you and me on the road ahead. Our colours clash, these man made colours of skin, yet
here is my heart beating for you.

I tell you ours is a dangerous love, a Shakespearean love, only leading to death of each of us.

You already know this though, you’ve told me a million times before in tears. My chest has been a handkerchief to many of your watering eyes.

You already know me and you being together will burn bridges, yet like the moon yearns for her love the sun, you yearn for me too, as I do for you.

Yet, that won’t change the ending. This confession won’t change the ending in stored for you and me.

The moon is bright, the sky is dark and clear. It’s a perfect engagement of dark and white, just like you and I.

I lean in, you meet half way, right at the border were our lips would meet.

I am looking into your eyes, this is something I’ve wanted to do since..

We kiss. I kiss you. We melt in each other. You kiss me. There’s nothing else except you, me, the moon, the dark sky, inside a little car at the parking lot.

The future now changes

You probably read this before, maybe

You probably read this before and you are wondering what happened to this guy that he feels this way? Well I am not sure either

I feel as though I had forgotten what it’s like to feel something, to feel emotions beyond your own control for someone or something. Emotions that are not guided by your “sexual” desires first or desires to mingle, but emotions that unexpectedly hit you, and you find yourself… gasping.

In this world, a world that is socially ‘destructive’, people searching for momentarily fixes or hits or whatever, which is not entirely bad… how do you sift through all that nonsense and indulge in authentic moments?

Of course one way to find true authentic moments is to hang around people who resonate in the same frequency as you, it doesn’t have to be identical, but the along the same line; For me that would be art. I think people who have creative minds have a better understanding of me than those who only try to understand art. Yes, there are those that enjoy art but it’s not the same as the ones inside it.

No, I’m not saying people should find each other in their own circles, that’s a terrible suggestion, it would ruin the philosophy of opposites attract, but I am saying, the people in your circle connect with you on such a level that there are no words in the dictionary to explain it.

I am a believer in connection, even though I have been amongst the mass of humans who follow their sexual desires and other “curious” desires; I am a believer in vibrating so well with another human that when they vanish out your life, it damn hurts.

It’s a question I have been asking though, how does one find such a needle in this social haystack? This haystack of people who are still trying to piece together who they are, and might end up using you to figure some part about themselves.

Listen, I am not in the slight bit innocent myself, I think there are a certain number of corpses I might have walked over to try and figure myself out. I regret of course on how I made those people feel, but I am not certain I regret everything entirely since without the actions I did previously, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

That is a weird and dangerous statement isn’t it, but the truth in it is overwhelming.

The reason to have regrets is because the actions you did have changed how you see things.

Anyway, I don’t even know how I got here. My sincere aim was to talk about connection: where does one find it? Honestly, I don’t know. Some people are lucky to turn on that TV and boom their favorite type of TV show comes on, and others have to flip through a lot of channels until they discover what their taste is… and that’s basically what this thing can be like sometimes, but, you know the type of genre you are looking for, so flip through around that area, and who knows you might meet a stranger that gives you a feeling a dictionary can’t explain.

Resume for a relationship

To be honest sometimes being “single” is a great option, it saves you the hassle of having to undress yourself again and again; In this scenario undress means both literal and figurative. To try and begin a relationship is slowly becoming annoying, especially as a person who knows who they are; I know I am interesting, and can be interesting to most people, but it’s hard to show that in a few lines of conversations. I feel tired about it, I still want to mingle with people, women to be specific, but I’m tired of all these questions, were sometimes the answers don’t really say anything about who I really am.

So on that note, I decided to write something silly but serious; a resume for “relationships”. Which strange enough might actually be a thing. Relationships is in quotation marks because we are adults people, some relationships are really for intimate reasons. My resume might mix words and poetic writing together.

Grey is an unsure color, just like me. I am unsure if I still want play the “I wanna get to know you game”

No really, I’m tired of having to say what my favorite color is; It’s grey, so before you try to mingle with me please read this. If you found me online, depending where online, no that’s not my real name; online I’m like a product, I have to sell both truth and lies, I decided lying about my name is the easiest lie.

I like sports, physical sports, all types of sports, except rugby, I don’t get it and basketball, I like the anime versions. I love people but I hate social gatherings, there make me revert back to my really shy self; Oh yeah, I’m shy but not really shy.

I hate being in closed social spaces; I’m more of an adventurer… I get curious a lot but not curious enough to drink alcohol or do drugs but curious enough to make out with a stranger that has a great smile.

Yeah, I’m a good kisser… at 96% of times

I like to laugh and make people laugh, although recently I have realized a few things really hardly make me laugh now.. everything is so serious!!

I’m not online much, I don’t know why. I love sex, I’m good at it too; however I like conversations, I have a lot of nonsense to talk about… but you gotta talk too, I’m not a comic.

I’m an artist. I love art. Performance arts to be exact. I think performance arts exist everywhere really. We are pieces of performance work

The real reason I am writing this, is really I’m tired of having to say my favorite color all the time I try to get to know someone. I hate questions, I prefer knowing a person just by conversation. Just tell me any nonsense about yourself and I will put my ear on the table and indulge, and tell you about my nonsense, that way it will feel like we know each other than being strangers interviewing each other for a certain relationship.

Depending on what type of person you are, I’m totally boring, especially if you’re not patient; unfortunately these days I don’t think anyone is patient. I want to think I am like a sling shot that you pull back, the build will yield much better result. I like the process more than I like the results, I always say that even when I make theatre work, maybe same with relationships.

I honestly don’t think I am funny, but somehow I seem to have the ability to make people laugh, it’s really strange. I love ice cream, I think Ice cream dates are the best; When eating/licking ice cream with someone and talking it sort of makes you feel like a kid inside. I like that feeling, because it’s always there.

I think people are more free now but it’s scary because it makes us not sure about what people’s intentions are; either you’re not sure about what you want and other people are not sure or you’re not sure, if you know what the other person wants.

Honestly I don’t think I know either that’s why I prefer process over products, the process makes me see clear what can work and what will fail and how to amend.

5 things I don’t like, in no order

In a journey to improve my writing, I am currently reading a book. There’ are currently two ideas that I’ve gotten from it to improve my writing; 1. Read! Read! Read. 2. Yes, write! write! write! So stupid yet so profound!

The title I chose is not really interesting; I tried to go for word play, make it fancy, but at the end I came to the conclusion ‘why be Illusive, just say as it is.

One particular exercise asks for one to write about things they dislike. I thought I’d take a jab at this one, it proved harder than I thought, not that I don’t dislike things, but I wanted to search for things I really feel like I don’t like. So, here is my short list of 5 things I don’t like.

1. To not know (Schrodinger’s Cat)

If you’re familiar with the Cat, Box and Poison experiment then you will know what I mean. I hate not knowing; this could be intellectual or relationship wise. There is a difference between not knowing because someone is being mysterious and it’s quite hot but then there’s just being an asshole. Intellectually I have a competitive side, which means if I am interested in something I work very hard to figure it out and know how to do it. I don’t like not knowing, especially in a field that I cherish

Relationship wise, I think its familiar with everyone; not knowing where you stand. I’ always make sure people know where they stand with me. Romantically and friendship wise. False hope is quite draining; it sucks the life out of a person. It is best to let people know facts, how they make you feel and how in turn they feel about you. There’s no person that I had a crush on in my life that doesn’t know. Perhaps maybe one when I was in high school were my confidence wasn’t as high, but now, everyone has to know where they stand.

2. Dirty Rooms

I am not saying, I’m the cleanest person, surely I’ve kicked some dirty under the rug a few times, but I love clean. The sight and smell of clean gives me a virtual subconscious orgasm. Honestly it does, goes through my whole body, only thing that ends up missing is the release, if I could I would. I use to have mild OCD, just mild, but it was enough to make me obsessed about a certain cleanness.

I’ve even explained that, sometimes I’d come back to a clean room, were my brother or lover cleaned it, but I’d do it again. It didn’t feel clean until I touched it.

3. Things with many holes in it (Trypophobia)

This thing began when I was young, it’s a classified phobia or medically recognized, I didn’t even know. It bothers me, I don’t know but I feel like I’ll vomit; there’s a lump that gets stuck in my throat, even now as I write I feel it. I’ve never told anyone about it because it’s weird

4. Female leads

I am about to sound Misogynistic, but honesty is my policy. I am not even sure if this counts as dislike since I have a few exceptions. However, I hate female leads, I don’t know why, I. just don’t like em.

Dolores (Westworld) and Annalise Keaton (HTGAWM) are the exception, other than them, I simply loathe female leads. I can recall many times were I stopped watching a series/movie/anime because it had a female lead. There are tons of great series/movies/anime with awesome female leads, but it’s just not for me.

5. Getting into fights

This is ironic; I love so many fighting styles, I’ve practiced so many forms, I mean so many. I’ve read and researched about so many. However, I hate fights, or rather getting into one. I don’t see any reason to fight, honestly I think it’s the effect of past family experiences. I never see a reason to fight, even in a situation were fighting is the only option
What a strange Zulu man I am right?!

One of the most stupid reasons I dislike fighting is the fear of murder. I have watched and personally practiced so many styles of fighting that I fear I know how to kill someone and in a fight I’d unintentionally commit murder.

You can’t wash murder off your hands. So I try my very best to talk my way out or walk away. This fighting doesn’t relate only to life or death situations but relationships as well. I’ choose to walk if there’s yelling or physical touching arguments.

These are 5 stupid things I dislike; I mean there are not stupid but there are 5.
There is bonus dislike, or maybe I should have just said 6 things I dislike, but 6 is such an even number.

6. Messi vs. Ronaldo debate
   Frankly this deserves its own blog. I dislike the Messi and C. Ronaldo arguments. I am one of few/many who believes each is good in their own way, even though I am a CR7 fan. There are certainly qualities Messi has that Ronaldo does not, and vice versa. I won’t get into it because my point is that I dislike the argument.

What’s your 5??

Senses

I have been thinking about my senses lately; the things I’ve experienced through my senses. I don’t think these writings are complete but they give off a certain idea about the stupid things I let my senses indulge in. I think in future to get to know someone, I will surely ask them their fav senses, and I hope after you read you can share what intrigues your senses too. Make coffee or smoothie or whatever drives your fancy.

1.Decibel

The unit of Sound is decibel. I learnt that in high school.

Sound is everywhere even in silence.There is sound. Even when you close your ears and eyes as tight as you can, you can still hear sound.

In sleep there’s still sound in my dreams. I am in love with different noises and sounds.

I love the sound the drain makes when it’s sucking up the last bit of water; it turns into a vacuum.

The sound of cash as it ripples through the ATM, who doesn’t love that. I love the sound of old music, it has the ability to awaken memories, moments that can’t repeat.

The sound of argument amongst the gents in the hood. Always makes me shake my head in laughter.

I love the sound of air when I am on a bicycle with my eyes closed; it makes me feel like I am flying, if not in a movie.

I love the sound of cracking bones or loosening of muscle when I stretch out. It always feels like my body is breathing.

Yes, I love the sound of old Asian movies, it makes me feel like a young kid waiting to go outside and attempt all those tricks.

I grew up too quickly really.

I love sound, I love noise. I love the noise that occurs during sex. I do, the sound of oooh and ahhh coming from my partner. Pun intended.

There is sound and hearing it makes me feel alive.The sound of pouring rain on my roof at home, it calms me; then the leaking sound that randomly hits face, brings me back to reality.

Then finally, if there’s ever such a thing; my love and hate for the sound of applause. I love giving off that sound but hate receiving it; it always makes me feel weird inside.

Wouldn’t the world be better if we began to listen more than we talked.

2. Sight

The moon shines so brightly; I could stare at it for hours on end, just as I would stare at you.

There are things that bring joy to my eyes. My sister’s face is one of those things. She doesn’t have to speak nor smile, her face is priceless.

Watching bodies dance. There is something about movement that enchants me. It pauses me. I imagine myself in there moving too.

I am attracted to smiles, real smiles that causes wrinkles around the eyes. I’d marry a girl who has a great smile and forever make her smile.

Animation, cartoons. What a sight to see; there’s something about watching these dumb illustrated objects. It brings peace into my old heart.

The sky; the sky is like a clean page where anything can be written. With my eyes I write every fantasy I can think of; I love watching the pale blue sky.

3. Olfactory

There is a certain smell that you produce during sex; it entices me like a moth to light. Science says we produce these sexual hormones that cause attraction. If it’s true, I want to stay in your skin.

After the rain stops, there is that smell that hits at the back of my nose. I want to indulge in it.

Paper, newspaper and that smell from a newly bought novel. That’s the first thing I always do when I get a book; smell all the content in it. So dumb.

Uncle Rajah. Rajah makes me remember watching my mom cook; that smell puts a smile on my face.

I hate coffee, but the smell of it opens up my nostrils like a dog that has smelt smuggled cocaine.

Vaseline, the original body cream, I use to hate it too. My aunt rubbed it on my skin so much I knew I’d be baking in the sun.

Come take a look at this grass Eddie Murphy said… the smell of grass after a trim.

There’s a flood of old memories again playing in my head so quick it’s a marvel film introduction.

The ocean breeze, I can’t swim but I can smell the air the ocean throws towards the shore.

4. Taste

The things I have tasted are not enough, my well is still empty; like a travelling chef I want to taste every meal from every culture.

Taste is never ending; I love the taste of skin. I bite the soft bits of my own skin, if not the one I am sexing. I love to nibble just a bit on skin not with teeth but with the flesh part of my mouth.

There is another part of the skin I enjoy the taste of, it hides in between your legs. This line has been a repeat, it assures me that I love being intertwined, in flesh were bodies are in heat together.

Apples. I have nothing more to say than the name itself. Apples.

Bacon… ahh Bacon an insult to my health, an indulgence for my tongue.

So many things I love to taste, so let me rather write about those that I hate.

I hate the taste of onion. It makes me sick. I mean that literally. If giving up was a taste it would be number one, since it isn’t I hate the taste of earwax. Shut up you’ve accidentally tasted it too.

Taste of badly burnt food, it reminds me of my failure. The taste of ink, yeah, I’ve accidentally had that too

5. Touch

I could never write poetry as good as my favorite writers. They could paint words in the ocean; mine can’t even swim in a pool.

So I decided to write my own words; words that I could laugh at when I read them out loud.

I love the feel of a baby’s tiny hand when it wraps around my finger. It makes me all cute inside.

When I was young we use to clean chicken feet with hot water. After that chicken foot was naked, I’d lay my cheek against it. I love the touch of chicken feet on the cheek. It’s so tender.

Just like nipples our heads have these multiple nerve endings. I love the sensation that I get during a head rub, only when I am lying on top of soft breasts and a beating heart.

Touch. Tender. The pecking and intertwining of lips. I love to kiss, maybe I got too many kisses when I was young, so now I have a curse for yearning to kiss soft lips.

Rain. Rain on my skin. The feeling of rain leaves me happy. Just as hearing it leaves me feeling calm.

I am not ticklish, except on the sides of my body; I discovered this when I was young. No, I’m not a virgin, just ticklish on one place.

The feeling of the dance floor as it plays with my skin. I love the conversations that the floor and I have… the possibilities, the discovery and injuries.

If there could be one last thing, I love the feeling of hand holding. There is a just something about it

There’s probably billion of grammatical errors, I apologize. As Dave Chappelle once said if you’re standing too close to the elephant, all you see is it’s penis like skin.