When the lights turn off

I had an experience, for some reason I am having a difficult time putting it in the right words. That’s weird, me, a writer unable to put something into words.

I have attempted however it’s all foggy. I woke up in the middle of the night and I released all I felt. It was better, I felt better. The context is love affairs and casual affairs. The confusion of what it all means. How is one suppose to act in love affairs and casual affairs. Is there a rule book? Are there do’s and don’t? WTF! So this writing, these writings are split into two

Friendships and love (affairs) Pt. 1

Are like campfires? There only burn if someone keeps putting in the wood.
Wood is like the effort that keeps the fire burning, lets the fire produce all the warmth. It’s not a one person job, whoever is involved in the friendship/love affair is responsible for putting the wood in and blowing the air (is that a pun)

Both these things take effort… from everyone, once one person
is responsible for everything, the putting in the wood, the blowing, the sorting etc. it can
become rather exhausting.

That’s how friendships and relations end, when one person feels like their doing everything
to keep the fire burning but the other is lacking off.

I’ve seen fires go out and others get lit in life. Some fires I was responsible for letting them
die, some I felt like I was doing all the work. There is even the worse experience of going back to try and light the fire that died long ago, to try get back all that warmth, but then when the fire starts warming up you realize the reason you left it in the first place.

I’ve been the bad guy; watching the other person use so much effort to keep the fire burning and I stood there starting other fires on the side. When other fire didn’t work, I’d come back to this hot, warm, burning one. By the time I awoke, I was alone in that fire, the person who kept it alive had moved on.

This brings me to the second part of the writing. I urge you as a reader to find your own meaning here; I have this feeling of sharing these writings as there are, with the feelings I had when I woke up in the middle of the night to write.

When all the lights dim off pt. 2

What goes through your mind when you’re watching all the lights turn off. You watch all the
moments you were a part of disappear? Life basically telling you to move on, that chapter of your life is gone; it was bright for moment but it’s gone.

You watch these lights which are all you or rather moments in your life that you wished could stay lit forever. You start looking around to see if all the lights are really turning off, you run to see if the old lights, the ones you never took care of still work.

Yaaay! this one came on, but the moment an old light comes on, you remember why you
moved on from it in the first place; that light started to mean something else.
You stare at it again, you unplug that light, you make the decision of being the one to turn it
off.

As you make that decision, you then realize why some of the lights were turning off on
you. It’s not nice to watch all the lights turn off, it’s not all of them because there are lights that seem to always stay on in our lives no matter what happens, but there are ones that turn off, all the moments, all you have to do is nod, smile look ahead and work on other lights

Rewind II

Def: To begin again

Let’s rewind

To come back to a moment before you were naked under my skin

Your hands playing a cello on my back

Pause, rewind

To before my chest was the bridge to which your legs were walking on

Bent and crippled like a newly born giraffe

Rewind, pause

Before I left my soul between the sheets of your bed

You captured by sandman’s lullaby

Pause

Rewind

To you being a mysterious book I want to read without licking my fingers to flip the pages

Pause, rewind

Read that last line again.

I want to know you by Reading Lolita in a room were the sun hits my body so well, I get lost in its warmth, or is it just the thought of flipping through the pages of you

Pause. Pause. Pause. Rewind

To you, sitting across me, your eyes trying to undress me

Alas! I love that look in your eyes, like a coin in a mine I can get lost in those big eyes

Pause, Fast forward

To mysterious chapters; canvases so empty God is having a hard time deciding what to paint on it for us

Pause

I am here with a brush, if you want to, please bring paint

I don’t want to wait for God to decide

Pause,

Rewind

To the girl running away with my heart

Tell my lover

If you see my lover please pass on this message to her.

Tell her I miss her, that everything I miss about her could be turned into a book if I were to write one.

If you bump into my lover tell her I said everything about her fills me up with hope, and a little bit of misery; of course, what relationship doesn’t have misery chilling at the back seat waiting to disturb a honeymoon; still it’s all of that which drives me crazy about her

When you see her, my lover, stop her, give her a compliment or an Instagram like cause she god damn deserves all those likes.

This is very important, before she disappears around the corner please shout out to her and tell her that damn ass of hers is fire, I see it rising like dough in the oven, but fuck you for staring at my girl’s ass.. 

If there was ever one more important thing you can tell her for me, as I no longer have the will to do it, please tell her following.

If you’re singer please do write a song, if you’re painter, please paint so she can hang it up in her tiny kitchen, if you’re poet, squeeze a line in your stanzas, like how I squeeze her bum, if you’re a teacher introduce her in a good ppt

Whatever your profession is, make a note of this request for me.

Tell her I love her.

That she has a home in my heart

Groundhog’s Day

Groundhogs Day

Going through a break up is like experiencing Groundhogs day.

For those unfamiliar Groundhog’s Day is a Bill Murray film in which he relives the same day over and over again. Although many “versions” of the film have been made in the past years, I still somehow recall Murray’s version possibly because of the early tune “Groundhogs Day” that plays every morning he woke up.

So, how does this relate to going through a break up? Well, it’s repetition; that sense of waking up each morning knowing the person you’re in love with you is no longer in your life.

That sense of realisation haunts you.

Just like Murray’s film there are things that you try to change each day, so it doesn’t feel so bad, until you catch yourself in a moment or situation that reminds of that person, and you just want to die😂

Experiencing the same day over and over again let’s you explore a lot of emotions, it’s like an emotional roller coaster.

One day you wake up feeling sad, the next day you feel angry, the next frustrated, the next day calm because there is a certain belief at the back of your mind that perhaps it’s meant to be this way. Another day you want to pick up a phone and say Hi!

I hadn’t been in a relationship for about 2 years. As I know myself to be very analytic, I need to sink into different situations with a person so I know exactly what about them I like.

The only issue with that is, once I sink into deep, and things don’t go well, I am left drowning in all these memories, that might not necessary belong to me, but I have loved them as my own. Fuck, I sound like I’m saying a riddle.

It hasn’t even been that long, yet I feel like my bed at night is a deep swimming pool, that I sink deep into, so I tend to wake up in the middle of the night to sit for a while, I’m scared of drowning.

Hours were I think of a story but have no one I want to tell but them.

So what does one do, when they feel stuck in this day of emotional drama, well create a different routine to drown out this noise of the other.

Run, even if the memories chase you, run. Sweat, even if the sweat reminds you of being locked inside a room with them mingling your bodies and merging your feelings, just sweat it all out.

Create another routine that makes you think anew, eventually, you’ll feel better, not all of you, but part of you and then you begin again.

I might pulling a straw out my ass; enlighten me. Write to me, what does a break up feel like to you?

Invisible rules

When we fall into certain relationships, we agree to certain rules, some of them we might not necessary agree to but social norms dictate that we should, but I’m me, I’ve been fighting social rules ever since I was a baby, so I am having a bit of trouble.

I have many times in this blog written about relationships, ideas I might have about relationships and difficulties that arise in relationships, it seems however even knowing what can arise nothing really prepares you for when it happens.

So, here is my current story, I find myself in a position where I could pursue a relationship, this is the only platform I can admit that since I can’t admit that to her “she probably would freak out” but in all honesty I look at her, I think of her, and in my stomach it’s all butterflies, it’s true yet somehow it’s all complicated.

If I were to start detailing the whole ‘relationship’ it would take a while to get where I want to get. The summary of it is as follows: We have spent a lot of time together, we had a strong intimate time, just writing about it takes me back to it and I am smiling; we have strong lengthy conversations, it’s quite a match made on earth really, but as I go back it’s rather complicated.

First complication is that I am now far from her, quite far really and already that puts the relationship on edge. As intimate as a person can be with someone over the phone seeing them face to face provides something different; having to converse over the phone all the time gets frustrating no matter how strong the “connection”. I think that factor hangs over us, even if we can admit it or not.

I like the girl, no, honestly I really do, every nonsense about her I like, frankly I don’t care how she feels about me liking her, I liked her before the sex, even more after it. I can assume she likes me too but that wouldn’t be factual unless she admits it.

So, we fought, not the first time, but we did, the most awkward fight really, I am still yet to wrap my head around it. My version of the story goes “she hung up the phone on me after a long conversation. Internally I said “that’s rude” but I laughed it out. She calls me minutes later asking what happened? I say, you hung up the phone. She denies it. We lose connection. She calls again before I send a text saying I couldn’t hear her. She says why am I not picking up. Okay, she says a lot of things, she’s frustrated. I am confused at what is happening. End of version.

Now, everything you read, everything story you’ve heard concerning relationships tells you as a guy you should apologize, that somehow in these sort of arguments you are wrong, and she is right; those are the social rules. However, for the life of me, I can’t. Every fiber in my being cannot let me apologize for something I don’t understand, yes I can apologize for the misunderstanding that occur, but does that solve the bigger issue at hand? The issue remains that I don’t understand what the fight is about, yes, I am being logical, in a situation where perhaps I should look at it emotionally, which a part of me is, but it’s still a problem.

In an odd way, it seems we have reached a tipping point in our boiling pot of emotions. Neither of us is willing to acknowledge what is happening between us. I can acknowledge it individually as I am right now, admitting that I do have feelings for her, but I don’t think it would be a great idea to say it to her.

I am dying here; this is my form of release. To make myself feel better, to express deeply felt emotions I write them all down. I don’t think I am looking for a certain answer/solution, I already know the solution, but I can’t apply it, so what does it mean? Does it mean the relationship is declared none existing? How do I get myself to do something that I don’t believe is true? Would that not count as me emotionally lying?

How fair are these social rules that we must adhere to without necessary agreeing to them? I haven’t been in a relationship for a long time; rarely does a person find someone they connect to so well.

So there it is, my struggle. What other existing social rules do you find yourself in that believe are a challenge?

On the previous episode

This is definitely one of those readings were you think it’s about one thing but totally find out it’s not.

You’ve watched an episode of a series where they give you insight of what happened on the previous episode, usually meaning the episode you’re watching will continue from the actions and events of the previous.

Its a nice transition really, it usually means you get an opportunity to jump in right were things left off, you didn’t miss much; Well real life works a little bit differently.

Me and a colleague of mine once in a while get ourselves into interesting banter; usually coming from situations we might face concerning a female. One such conversation involves the idea of people needing space/time or just a sense of being ignored really.

Listen everyone has a busy life really, we are all occupied with our little life’s, trying to make our ideas grow to something beyond dreams, a need for personal time.

When a person asks or just gives them space from you; it should be expected that once they choose to return into your life, you will not be in the position you were in previous, you as a person would have grown too.

People forget that life doesn’t wait for anyone, especially in any sort of relationship. If as friends we break up for some reason, and we make up, do not expect my train of thought to be were you left me, expect yourself to use words like “you’ve changed so much”

Not really, I’ve just grown as a person.

Where does this conversation stem from, well, it stems from a lady who indirectly had asked me to give her some space. As a person who’s forever developing I hope she has no expectations that she’ll find me were she left me, neither do I expect her to be the same person.

I am not sure if what I am saying makes any sense. To make it more clear, if we break up today, and make up a month later, you can’t expect the same person you were in a relationship with a month back, yes my favorite color might still be grey but emotionally, psychologically a lot has changed, which is why I personally would find it difficult to get over being cheated on or caught cheating, that relationship is as good as over really, some people have the ability to get over it, I don’t think I have the ability.

Furthermore, the people I found attractive in high school no longer interest me now, I’ve changed, my ideas about what is attractive have been completed altered by my experience.

There so many examples I could give, especially involving events/actions from opposite sex. Chris Rock once said “women have the ability to leave you mentally” I’d like to think as men we also have the same ability to erase you from out of our mind, an ability were you could have been the most attractive, beautiful person in the world, but after too many times of bullshit, that all gets lost. Men can forget everything they saw in you; Were you become just another existing being in the world.

My ultimate point is there is no previously in real life relationships, we create a new episode that deals with new problems and new solutions to those problems. You have to be prepared for this type of reaction all the time.

What are your thoughts? Do you believe you’d still be in the same space? How long does it take for you to change?

You like that? I hate that, let’s get married or some shit.

They say opposites attract, I say god damn, this is Romeo and Juliet all over again, someone will end up being dead.

Wait, who’s they? uhhmmm I don’t know.

It’s good that y’all support different teams, until someone says no sex, because Arsenal isn’t in the Top 4 again, that’s a long time without sex.

Opposites attract, like magnets drawn to its counter part, how true is that though? That we are drawn to people who are opposite us?

The question I want to ask is “Should we like people because they offer us something we lack or should we like them because they offer us similar taste?”

Of course I am not asking that question with intention of getting ‘the’ answer, there isn’t such, for such the right answer doesn’t exist.

While writing this I had a realization that I’ve never had a successful relationship with someone who wasn’t into art in some way, whether they loved it as spectator or as participants, it’s such a strange thing but it’s true; I am shook, because it was never my intention but that’s how it is.

In all that however, I am not really taking the side that suggests we should be with people who are similar to us, neither the latter, I am saying it’s complicated.

I have crushed on many people who were highly different from me, finding them to be utterly attractive, even right now, I am attracted to various people who have intellect that fascinates me.

These statements or social quotes, whatever, have blinded us for quite a long time, I think it’s about time we re_look at them and reboot their meaning, maybe when the statement was made it was for scientific reasons, and people just went along with it.

I’m not entirely sure what causes attraction, if I did, I would pause that button for a while because it can hurt to be attracted to someone who’s not attracted to you or both attracted to each other but circumstances don’t allow it.

It’s better to go with your feelings really, if you base attraction on the standars of science, well good luck to you Romeo/Juliet, see you on the other side.

However, the question still remains, I can let it hang in the air. Do you have standards in which you base your attraction on?

Write to me, invite me into your thoughts.

“You’re such a nice guy”

This is one of those statement you live as a guy not wanting to hear really, especially from a female who interests you, similar to how there are words that make women’s vagina dry when you tell them to her like “I don’t have money” fuck such a stereotype.

Anyway you’re such a nice guy is probably equivalent to being a dick dropper; I mean if there is ever such a thing as a dick dropper, let’s be friends is definitely one, I’m sure.

The penis just coils up and shuts the door saying “well you’re on your own on this one bro”

I don’t blame it really, windows, curtains, and all the door, not only that your heart probably breaks a lottle, it’s like a little but a lot

I can’t tell you how much I am laughing as I write this l because I am thinking of so many time I’ve probably have come to hear that statement; I just re read this line, and I laughed even more

“You’re such a nice guy” everytime it is said I ask myself the question back, am I a nice guy? Why the fuck am I a nice guy, fucking hell; My brain has learned to automatically laugh every time I hear those words; sometimes I want to scream out “I am definitely not a nice guy, I’m just nice to you, cause I like you” but that sounds like a pick up line, which would contribute to me being a “nice” guy.

There’s that line ‘nice guys finish last’ I am definitely tired of finishing last, this is not me admitting I am a nice guy, this is me just saying it happens too many fucking times, that it’s frustrating.

I get it though, some women generally feel your “niceness” and want to keep it around them, that they fear if anything sexual or relationship related were to happen, she would loose it all, meaning you, and that’s okay.

Damn it, doesn’t make it anyless frustrating though. However as much as I hate you’re a nice guy; it has it’s benefits; One of them is you get to keep these awesome people around you. I’ve had a lot of women around me who I don’t fuck with, I can honestly say some of those relationships have been very fulfilling.

There’s a lot you can get from seeing a female other than a object of sexual desire. I mean of course there would be times I admit to myself that “damn girl, you are fine as hell”

I have been able to ask some of these girls close to me questions I’d probably never gotten to ask.

You’re a nice guy is a horrible statement, close to “let’s just be friends” as I mentioned

I don’t want to friends though, I want you! You’re single, I’m single, let’s be single together

Why do we have to be single apart though?!

Anyway, there are a lot of lines dropped on us as humans of sexual nature or social nature that puts us in our places whether we want to or not!

“You’re over-qualified” “You’re too young”
“You don’t have enough experience”
“blah blah blah”

What words have been used on you? Even if it’s the same words, how did you take it, like a champ or like a weasel?

I am here with my nice guy ears, waiting to hear your intellectual nonsense

Chemistry

How does a person explain this feeling? This phenomenal chemical reaction, and no, I’m not talking about laboratory chemistry; I’m talking about the chemistry that happens between two humans, two people, individuals who might be strangers or might not be strangers, well given that we all start as strangers

However what about instant chemistry? What that chemistry that shoots up like morphine into your system and drives you wild; Does morphine do that or it makes you numb? Good feelings all around

This is what I want to talk about in this writing. Simply writing about it won’t do though.. so read in between these words and create your own idea of what I feel when I feel chemistry.

~Chemical reaction

I have been involved in a lot of experiments in my life, none have been more interesting than the chemical reaction that happens when ART is the laboratory.

Art is the hand that rubs the lamp, what comes out is something only wishes can be made off.

Remember I am talking about you

Our chemistry is like water slowly building up from our feet, to our knees, rising up and then we drown in it. We drown in it but we can still breathe, we breathe through touch and through this feeling… this feeling.

I remember clearly dancing with you; it’s like having sex on the dance floor with our clothes still on. I want to stay close to you a little bit longer, I want to grab your hand a little bit longer til I am holding on to you by my one finger. At the PRESENT, I’m talking about you.

Chemistry is like poison, the one that kills you slowly. The poison that infects the air, so you don’t even realize that you are inhaling death.

Chemistry can be a beautiful illusion, but my god a wonderful trick it is…it keeps me floating, I can’t really feel the ground.

I want to touch you all over, not physically, but just breathe around your skin. I want to dance with the energy you

Close your eyes.

Imagine me and you.

All the things we could do.

Only when the time is right.

Chemistry is what you and I have, and I want to make it an adventure and explore it, after that I will write a map on both our skins so we don’t ever forget it.

But if you ever forget I,
Just imagine
Imagine you and I/ don’t laugh that feeling is real/
Your attraction, I thought it heals… but now I’m in too deep, I/
Like death it reels me in deep, I/
Instantly I combust, don’t ask, with you I’m clear as crystal, but convoluted by your touch, I/
You and I,
We Walt and Chemistry/
Deadly combo Heisenberg

If you didn’t get that, damn you bitch, if you did then hell yeah bitch! I am really going to be high on you, and already I think I’m addicted.

I want to know from you, whoever is reading, what chemistry is like to you?

Rejection II

Rejection II

This actually happened out of nowhere, now that I think about it; It wasn’t entirely expected. All I remember was that I began making a terrible noise, like an injured reptile….it’s the only thing I can think of right now. Mom yelled stop doing that, I tried to stop of course but I just couldn’t, I felt my mouth swelling up, like there was a balloon stuck on my throat.

That’s the first time I had an allergic reaction, but the problem was that no one knew, neither did I of what exactly caused it. So, we suspended Pepper… so pepper was eliminated at the dinner ‘table’, there was no table, just eating on your lap really… but it wasn’t pepper? There was confusion, after attempts to discovering what the issue was we finally figured it was onions.

As I stated earlier though, it’s weird because I had been having, eating onions earlier in my childhood.

That’s why I am here today, I would like to synonym an allergy to rejection; Being rejected is like having an allergic reaction to something; something that looks good, something you feel like you want but can’t have, something you make so many attempts to have close to you but my god man, my god it just isn’t meant for you.

Some of us don’t even put up a fight when rejected/some put up a fight, both which can be seen as a good/bad thing.

When one is rejected, just like an allergy you try to find out the cause, what exactly is it about YOU that this individual doesn’t like… talk too much, bad breath, dress code is fucked up, not entertaining blah blah blah etc; honestly a lot of reasons exist, but one thing that is for sure is it sucks.

Imagine out of nowhere being allergic to beef or any meat for that matter, and you love meat. Meat is by far the best product given to mankind and there the gods have said you can never have meat again.. what??

Fuck the gods!! really? fuck the gods? You might end up having to see them.

Anyway back on topic. Some people have the ability to take rejection pretty well; they will use the words “The other person doesn’t know what they are missing out on” “I can find another job”

That’s partly true; the other person might be missing out on something that is good, but problem is so are you.

Rejection really is a nasty little shit. I am not sure how I fare with rejection, I don’t want to say I take it with stride, I don’t, but neither do I crumble up and die. I investigate, I try to figure out what about me might have been “wrong” per se; Perhaps I wasn’t par sexually, maybe I wasn’t funny or maybe that or maybe this, I was just not what the person wasn’t looking for; however in that investigation especially when I was enjoying the time or chat or conversations I was having with that person por the idea of having something, I get hurt.

I get hurt that I want to have amnesia, just erase the person from my memory.

The ultimate question in terms of rejection is that after it happens should one continue pursuing or not? It’s a tough call really; you could come off as annoying to the human who rejected you or in this fucking tricky world you could be showing purpose/motivation of not wanting to lose someone you like… honestly I don’t have the answers, if I did have them, I certainly would be thriving.

What is your opinion?