“Baggage is human nature”
It’s only April so far. Yeap, let that sink in. WHO knew so many things could happen in a such a short time? Anyhow in this existential crisis, while dealing with my own life/love life; I had an epiphany. Well an epiphany is something else, but I had a thought, and that thought brought a memory of HIMYM’s Ted Mosby.
In one of the episodes, specifically, Season 5E23 “The wedding bride” Ted suffers from relationship PTSD. The man was left at the altar by a woman he loved. Throughout the episode Ted is convinced now that everyone he dates is bound to “leave” him or in a manner of his words “everyone has baggage that “can” and/or cause relationships to end”.
Unfortunately, we all tend to have certain baggage that makes us our worst in new relationships that we get into. So, thinking about this, I wrote a whatsapp status pleading for people to share their baggage with me. What are the flaws/expectations that they carry into their relationships that can cause things to not work very smoothly? What is this thing that holds them back or rather forces them to hold back? I got many answers, but then I had common answers too. In this blog post, I will be sharing the baggage that we as individuals carry into relationships; perhaps you might find yourself agreeing to one or two, in all, we all carry certain baggage.
- Daddy’s love
Well, well, well we meet again old friend. Are you surprised it’s here? lack of dad’s love has affected us all in different ways whether wo/men. While I read texts such as “Dad was never there, so I don’t understand how to love women”
“Dad didn’t love me enough/he wasn’t there, so I am kinda looking for my dad in these men/ I can’t trust men if the first man I was supposed to trust left me”
Even “my dad was my first love, so every guy I date must be like my dad”
Dad’s love, is a freaking heavy baggage to carry into relationships. How do you fill a 20-year-old void? It’s likely impossible, as impossible as competing with 20 something year old love-relationship. Our fathers and lack of fathers have ruined our potential relationships. We are busy searching for things we will never find “oh! so you’re gonna leave me just like how my dad did”
How does one deal with that statement? I am not your dad.
“That’s what he said too” sobbing
Yeah, people we’ve experienced some shit. Women have mostly been the ones to carry this heavy baggage into relationships; desiring their father’s love in strange men. I am not a psychologist, I do have a degree in it but that hardly makes me anything however I can do what a psychologist can’t, tell you
“That’s fucked up”
There is no way I can be able to do everything your father was supposed to do. What if I grew up without one too? Definitely then you are hitting a wall that won’t break down.
This type of baggage has so many layers that breaking it down is a task that would take a blog on its own. It is why I believe the word “daddy” in relationships shouldn’t be used, unless perhaps you and your partner share a child, other than that, it’ should be considered a red flag…taboo.
“who’s your daddy? I don’t know, he left when I was 8”
If you’re a guy find a good role model you can look up to in terms of what it means to be a father/men or whatever title society gives these days. As a girl, if you keep looking for your father in strange men you probably still going to end up lonely, especially if these men leave you too. So, don’t do it, find someone who resonates with your ideals…well
- Being cheated on…multiple times (Trust)
In this moment you realize how similar we all are. We are basically all Ted, in some way left in the altar, for someone else. The experience of being cheated on is a huge baggage that most of us carry. I think this amongst daddy issues was the most mentioned baggage that everyone carried; that they were cheated on, some more than once.
“Ain’t that bitch”
What happens to you when you’ve been cheated on? One crucial thing happens…trust. It is difficult to trust someone else once you have been cheated on…because like Ted, you expect that next person to repeat the same thing. Unfortunately, no matter how hard the new person may try to love, and let you be who you want to be; you tend to question the sincerity behind it all.
Isn’t that just fucking awful. It’s like you are being burdened with something you didn’t do. How can you really convince someone that you won’t do what their last partner did? Why are you even convincing them, is it because you thought about it? See it’s an endless cycle.
With enough pressure men admitted too that they carry this baggage, hence why they enter new relationships “not giving a fuck” because they have expectations that their partner will cheat anyway. To make it worse, others stated they were cheated on with their best friend, now that is fucking cruel. You hate me that much that you’d sleep with my friend.
So, both men and women enter relationships with this I don’t give a shit mentality; vele s/he will cheat on me anyway?!
WTF are we getting into relationships for then? Why are we burdening ourselves if we are hurting each other indirectly like this? What about the person who really invests in you and the love you share? Meanwhile you’re in another episode of friends. Just passing through…because you expect the worst, to be cheated on.
People don’t want to communicate. If people shared these types of insecurities, it would make relationships easier. The majority of us have suffered infidelity before, in turn we have made our own indiscretions, myself included.
In order to make this baggage a little light, share it with your partner, let them help you carry this heavy load and see where it goes.
- That guy/girl who loved you the right way (Still in love with ex)
Some people throw themselves into relationships with people that remind them of their exes. They work so hard to turn this new person into someone they are not, and when they realize it’s futile, they become frustrated. Honestly it was a lost cause from the start. You are chasing a ghost; you don’t even realize it. Having not let go of your ex is one of the most devastatingly heavy baggage to carry, yeah, I should know that too. Every action you take, it’s like you are trying to re-create a memory, and of course when it doesn’t happen the way it did before.
You feel hollow.
Good exes are hard to let go; they cling like a magnet to your heart.
As Kate Winslet once said
“sometimes you wish they could walk back through your door, realizing what horrible mistake they made by leaving you; but it never happens. So, you are stuck just looking at the door”
Similar to most of the baggage in this list, you have to admit it to yourself that it exists. Say it out loud “with your chest” so you are aware of it. Don’t jump into relationships like its underwear, well for us that wear underwear really. Take your time, there is nothing better than getting into a relationship with an understanding of who you are and what you want. Different Circumstances end relationships, and it’s worse if it was neither desire from each party. You didn’t want it to end, your partner didn’t too; but family, long distance and even baggage itself.
The question will remain, how do you do forget an ex that made you very happy?? That saw you for who you are and cherished it?
- Sexually abused
Perhaps can be noted as the worse baggage. As a reader you might think it only counts for women but unfortunately for men too. Now there is really no formula to deal with this type of baggage. It can only be patience and communication, but sometimes even that doesn’t work. There exist so many triggers for people who have been sexually abused. You could touch them the wrong way or a certain smell or certain thrust during sex, I mean it really is so complicated.
I’ve been trusted enough in my lifetime that I have met people who have shared these traumas of their lives; even during this status I posted people were at ease at sharing such information. It takes a lot to share such about yourself, so thank you for being able to share.
This type of baggage is horrible for both people in a relationship. Your partner if they are the ones who suffered the sexual abuse end up feeling swak “bad” about acting the way their acting towards you; the partner can get frustrated especially if they don’t understand what they are doing wrong or how they can do it right? It really is a mess. The conversations I had relating to this one are all traumatic really. People are afraid to reveal these kinda things in their relationships because they are trying to forget that part of their lives; and others don’t want to share, fearing their partner won’t be able to handle it and they will in turn be lonely for the rest of their lives.
It’s all kinda heavy isn’t it? Reading it is heavy, can you imagine the experience of it. I really don’t have all the answers, however like I said, through experience, it is patience and conversation that helps. Being able to listen to your partner not just their words but physically too. Let them let you in, and let them know that you are there. People you really do have to understand that our life experiences are not the same. These invisible baggages are so heavy that some of us walk with our heads pulled towards the ground, looking up is difficult.
- Great SEX
Yes, unfortunately it’s true.
Ever been with someone with such great sex that you simply can’t forget about it. I mean they do you so well, the thought of it again almost gives you a mini-orgasm. For those who just thought about it, yeah, that feeling.
Yes, such experiences exist and these experiences can be a lot of baggage. It was only a few people who admitted it, I expected more, but people fear to be judged.
This type of baggage is troubling; it’s the type of baggage that can lead/cause “infidelity” refer to point 2; because you’ll always be thinking about that dick/vagina you had at that time, and you lose yourself in the moment. However, it’s never just about the genitalia. The great sex sometimes is about the experiences e.g. Where the sex was had…the rush and thrill of it. The moment, the way that person made you feel etc
Now going into a relationship having experienced such a thing is a heavy baggage, because no matter how good the next person fucks you, there is that lingering voice at the back of your mind saying “hmmm but s/he did the things on me” “but hmmm s/he went down on me so much better”
One conversation I had this lady friend tells me “It’s like he ruined that part of sex for me, because every time another guy puts me in that position, and doesn’t do it the way he did; I just get angry and bored. So now I don’t want do that position anymore…fuck that guy, I hate him”
So, there you have it. The top 5 baggage that we tend to carry to our relationships that can break them. The list is rather endless, I am only mentioning here what I have experienced and what was shared to me. I do however have 2 special mentions before I conclude, these rather came as strange baggage to have, the last one you’d expect it to be a gift.
- Envious baggage
This one is rather complicated, only a few have this type of baggage and they just can’t help themselves. I want to classify it as baggage because these people absolutely cannot be “fulfilled” in any relationship they enter. What do I mean? Well, envy is defined as wanting to possess something that someone has…wanting to have a feel of what it is like if it belongs to you.
Do you see where I am headed? Yes, I have experienced or rather seen this mostly in women.
“Ladies, Ladies behave”
Where a lady cannot help herself but crave for her “friends” partner. That nagging thing at the back of her head that this man makes her friend happy emotionally or most times sexually. “No way, I want that too” Even if they (these women) are in happy relationships, the mere idea that someone is happier drives them almost crazy.
This type of baggage is dangerous really; it breaks bond; and worst once the person has had her desires fulfilled, she moves on to the next victim. I wish I could pin point why these people are like that…but it is just so…maybe it’ began at home…well I ain’t no psychologist remember!
You know who you are! And you know who I am talking about!
- “Big penis/Big vagina baggage”
You’d expect these two things to be a gift, not a burden/baggage. I was surprised to be informed that is the latter. Having a hug Django is not a delight as most people would believe it to be
“Where are you gonna put that thing?”
That is the statement my friend told me he ends up suffering/ hearing; the social life is full of hypocrisy bro. They sell you desires that you will not find. Women like saying these things but once there are in front of them…they act differently; in public, they act like wild beasts who want big dicks but in reality. “No Jose!”
The same goes for big vaginas or rather a huge camel toe. A lady I know would constantly tell me how it was a burden to have a huge, visible camel toe because men would approach her and some couldn’t hide the fact ukuthi they were looking at her vagina. She’d literally sob when she tells me.
Some Zulu men would blatantly say “inkomo engaka”. There are expectations to having a huge camel toe; its baggage, because you don’t know if people are entering a relationship with you or your vagina.
Damn, that’s heavy!
We are not perfect; we all have flaws; one would say it’s what makes us human. My friend who suffered the worst kind of cheating I can recall said the following
“I think the older I got I became more alert… I try not to take things in to heart and I’m more understanding of human nature…as my father use to say if you think s/he is beautiful, perfect and different from the other girls/boys in the world s/he might as well not be human cause if s/he is human you should expect human behaviour otherwise you are crazy”
Human behaviours include learning, experiencing and adapting. We put ourselves in situation and we learn. The one thing however to take away from all of this is that communication is vital in every relationship you go in. If you can’t be yourself or be open about yourself and your experiences then you mustn’t be in that relationship.
A relationship must challenge you as person, must make you grow, it must free you to become who you want to be, and not make you feel guilty about who you are. There should be moments were you can get angry at your partner, and think I love this psycho; Moments were it is comfortable to cry on to them no matter how stupid the situation.
You won’t get all that in a swoop, it takes patience and time, it’s a process, like a rehearsal; and like my friend Ted, you need to put the baggage on the floor and be like
“hey, can you help me carry this”