I want to be a real boy

Oh Pinnochio! If only you knew the consequences of being a real boy. It’s July, my mom’s birthday month, I called her to just talk shit, reminiscing about old and new shit really, yes she still loves money, even in the chaos of my province back home (South Africa)

While we were talking I mention that she’s getting old, which she enthusiastically adds yeah, I am getting old, but I still look gorgeous as hell, like I’m still in my 30s; she does really, for being close to 50 she doesn’t look her age, then she brings up this sore she loves rubbing salt on “So when are you having a baby, I’m getting old and you are in your 30s too?” of course as always I laughed it, being honest that I am not ready for a child.

That’s what I want to write about today, the idea of being a parent, having a baby. Pinnochio in the story relentlessly continues to wish to be a real boy. I am certain that he didn’t know the consequences of being a real boy. It is different when things become real.

I love kids, these little humans are fascinating to watch, as most people would tell you, the thing about kids is that there see this different version of the world than we do as adult, a world were I wish most of us would be in really. After I finished talking to my mom, I did something different in all the years she mentioned this baby business, I thought about it, not having a baby of course but I thought deep and hard about why I didn’t want to have a baby.

Of course one main reason being I don’t feel secure enough to have a baby, but in reality, I don’t think there’s such a thing as being secured enough. There will never be enough money for an individual, if it was so billionaires would stop making money already. As much as I want to say people have been making babies with minimum amounts of money, I don’t really want to that, I’ve been there, and I didn’t like it much, so I wouldn’t want my own child going through that.

The more I dug deep into why I don’t want to have a baby, the more I really don’t want to have one, well, for now, I don’t know, but what I do know is that, I’m scared, no I really am. I know people discover the reality of being a parent as they do it, but that reality scares me. I am really good with other people’s kids, but I fear what I would be like with my own child.

Look at how the world is, you’d think it’s getting more better, that understanding is flowing between us humans, but realistically it seems like it’s getting worse, old people are selling their ideas to the kids who grow up selling that idea to their kids, so really, we’re in a loop of hate, insecurity, violence, corruption etc. Then you’re asking me, a person who frankly is still scared of the world, to bring a child, someone who would essentially mean everything to me.

No, thank you, unlike pinnochio I’m not ready for that responsibility of things being real.

I’ve never imagined what my child would be like, but either way s/he will have black genes that are mine, and already this little person will start racing behind the pack, no matter how rich I may be, they will play some type of catch up; it’s unfair for me to judge like that, but I can’t help it, I live in that reality; the difference is, it doesn’t bother me at all, it doesn’t really, I laugh at it and walk away laughing, the problem is, I won’t know how my child would take it, even if raised well.

So, I guess I will have to apologize to mom, although it’s still early in my life, it seems unlikely that I will have a child anytime soon.

What are your thoughts on children? Did you have any particular fears? How did you overcome them or hope to overcome them?

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